no news isn't always good news

"all by yourself"

2012-01-31T22:21:00.003-05:00

That's her favorite expression lately, "all by yourself." Sometimes, it's "Charlotte do all by yourself." She wants to dress herself, walk up and down the stairs solo, push the stroller, make my coffee,... The strange thing isn't that she wants to do all these things, it's that she CAN. There are so many things she can suddenly do that I wonder how long she was able to do them before learning to express her desire to do them for herself. She puts on her pants, only needing help to pull up the back. She puts her socks on so expertly that when she awakens from a nap, I assume she kept her socks on the whole time. Then I notice later that they're on different feet (a design on only one side of each gave that away). She finds her sleeves herself while putting on a shirt, and unless the neck is really snug manages to pull it over her head too. She WALKS down stairs now without holding my hand- not that she's suddenly tall enough to fully use the railing, but she's figured out how to lower herself on one leg until the other foot reaches the stair below. And going up, which she's been doing on her own for a long time, she's no longer happy with herself if her knees touch the steps. She dances on her own when music is playing, no longer demanding to be in my arms as we both bounce around the room. She opens packages, puts her hats on, stacks blocks and knocks them down... "by yourself. No help Mommy." She even wipes her own nose.

A few other milestones have been hit in the last couple of weeks. She finally caught some air while jumping off a door mat at the paint store (she'll jump off anything... especially likes the thresholds between rooms in our house). She's on her way to potty training herself, requesting a trip to the potty on a few occasions when she really did have to go- entirely on her own, without any training or suggestions from us, and not only when we're trying to get her into bed. Her speech is incredible, not just in the number of words she uses, but how she uses them. Asking for something, she knows how to say please and how to be specific, or vague, when it's appropriate... "Please Mommy, watch Abby Flying Fairy School on TV?" "Please Mommy, watch something on TV?" She conjugates verbs, not always correctly, but logically... "Charlotte waked up from nap." She tells us what's polite or not-so-nice... "Somebody sneeze, say 'bless you.'" She says "Thank you" for just about everything... "Thank you babies!" after swim class every week, "Thank you, Uncle Dan" whenever she wears an outfit my brother gave to her. She thanks the mailman for stopping at our mailbox, the sun for shining, and trees for giving her pine cones to play with. She tells me what she loves (hot dogs, spaghetti sauce, Mommy, Daddy, Maggie, the cat) and all the things that other beings love ("Reilly loves Charlotte." "Mommy loves Charlotte sooooo much." "Daddy loves pizza."). She explains things to her babies (her dolls)- "Poopie diaper smell yucky." "No eat socks." "Mommy Charlotte go bye-bye, you sleep here." "Knuckle on cheek sign apple." And she still comes out with words that she learned from who-knows-where.

Sleep-wise, she's suddenly having a hard time with naps. Yesterday, she was demonstrably tired, but played in her crib for two hours before crying for a couple of minutes then falling asleep. For 25 minutes. I usually put her down around 12:30, and until recently she'd go right to sleep and wake at about 3:00. It was heavenly, having those hours in the middle of the day when I could get something done and take a nap myself.

Nighttimes are still a breeze, but we've changed our explanation of how to know when it's time for bed. We used to tell her she could read 3 stories, or build some number of towers, but she would find ways to stall- refusing to knock over a tower (so we couldn't build the next one) or select a book, sometimes requesting we read a different book when we were halfway through another one as if an incomplete book didn't count against the bedtime countdown. So, last week I introduced her to her clock. I told her that it would be time for bed when the slow hand was on the 3. Stall as she might, the clock kept on ticking and it was bedtime before we'd finished even a single book. I showed her the clock, and she didn't argue with me! For a week now, we've wrapped up our bedtime routine based on the clock and it's gone well. Some nights, she gets 5 or 6 stories, plust time to build towers. Tonight, she got one story and one song and that was it. And she went down without a fuss. It's fantastic! And it only works because she knows her numbers.

Speaking of which, she can consistently count things up to 3, sometimes as high as 5 but usually just to 3. She can recite numbers through 12. She recites the entire alphabet and can identify about 10 letters consistently. She knows her colors and her shapes (well, not octagon, hexagon, pentagon, etc. Those are really hard). Every week or two, we return books to the library and check out some new ones. She always picks one book as her favorite and wants to read only that one, over and over. She sings songs, currently including "Jingle Bells," "You are My Sunshine," "Twinkle Twinkle," "Itsy Bitsy (complete with hand gestures)," and "It's Raining, It's Pouring." She follows along with instructions within songs (i.e. "Feel the rhythm in your hands and go clap-clap-clap"- and she claps).

We can't help but compare what she does today with things she could do 6 months or a year ago. It's amazing how much she's grown as a person. She has an incredible confidence about her- not an arrogance, but the confidence in herself to walk into a room full of kids she doesn't know and to make herself at home there, to find a friend or a special toy to play with. I hope she never loses that.

still pregnant

2012-01-27T00:00:00.002-05:00

Less than two weeks from the due date now. Yippee! I'm hoping this girl decides to be a little early. I'm learning that I got off remarkably easy with my frist pregnancy, as sciatica and carpal tunnel syndrome have settled in. I sleep with wrist braces on, but my fingers still manage to go numb, and it feels like there's a dagger beside my tailbone. But we're SOOOO close now. Maggie moves a lot. The weekly NSTs have been textbook, and I'm measuring perfectly on-target (no weight gain in the last 3 weeks- the promised plateau after rapid gain early-on). I had BH contractions last night for about 90 minutes, 7 minutes apart, and caught myself wishing they were the real thing. But the nursery still isn't painted (Charlotte helped picked a color- Sherwin Williams "Breathtaking"), so we're not really ready.

I'll post some about Charlotte at 22 months soon. She's developing more personality every day, and has begun quite an independent streak.

training herself?

2012-01-19T22:32:00.002-05:00

Charlotte's latest favorite stall tactic at nap and bedtimes is to announce, after she's in bed and covered in blankets, that her diaper is poopy and should be changed. She says it this way, as though it were my idea that she needs a fresh diaper- "Change diaper, please, Mommy? Poopy. Yes, OK!"

Well, one evening, I called her on it. The diaper was not only poop-less, it was completely dry, so I asked her if she wanted to try pooping on the potty. We've had a potty chair in the bathroom since she was 15 months old, or thereabouts, and she likes to sit on it when I use the bathroom (I'm not shy about it, and it seems like a good way to teach her that potty use is completely normal). She said she wanted to poop on the potty, so we went in and, for the first time ever, she sat on the potty with a bear bum (except for once or twice when I hastily pulled her out of the bathtub because she looked like she was trying to do something). She stood up every 30 seconds to see if anything had materialized. She grunted and pushed. Finally, she decided there would be no poopies that night and started to walk back to her room. I didn't notice at first, and I don't think she realized it either, but she did manage to pee in the potty. Woohoo!

So, now she knows that asking to have her diaper changed can buy her 2 or 3 minutes out of bed, but asking to use the potty gets her a LOT more time. That's good enough motivation for me... if that's what she wants to use as the impetus to potty train, I'm all for it. I wasn't planning to start anything until summer, but if she wants to start now, I'm on board. Time to get some potty books from the library!

On the baby front... three weeks left until the "due date." My doc has not mentioned induction, and I have not brought it up because I don't want to open the subject. Maybe she'd "let" me pass my due date this time since things went so well with Charlotte, but I'd prefer not to find out. I feel huge. Music classes with Charlotte wear me out, with all the standing up and sitting down and standing up again. My belly rests on my thighs when I sit, whether on the floor or on a chair. I've asked my mother to join Charlotte for waterbabies classes now that my bathing suit top isn't long enough to cover the underside of my belly, let alone tuck into the bottoms to keep it from floating up. I can sleep for about 2 hours at a stretch before something wakes me up- until a few nights ago, it was numb fingers from carpel tunnel; last night it was achey hips. Wrist braces are heaven-sent, but there's no cure (except delivery) for the hips. And if I manage to shift off the painful hip in my sleep, I wind up on my back and wake up because it's hard to breathe in that position. I remember now why I was so convinced we should buy a recliner if I managed to get pregnant again. We didn't buy one, and with just 3 weeks left of this, I'm not about to spend the money now.

I have had 4 NSTs now, and Maggie has been wonderfully reactive and cooperative at each one. BH contractions have been occuring more and more frequently, and I've enjoyed watching the scale of them on the monitor- comparing the relative intensity I feel with the numbers I see. Nothing painful, but they do command my attention when they strike. I don't know if I'm optimistic or naive, or naively optimistic, but I am hoping and planning for a delivery as smooth as Charlotte's this time around. I haven't attended any birth classes or spent much time practicing my self-hypnosis and breathing, but I did re-read the Hypnobirthing book. And I've been telling anyone who'll listen that my preferred labor position is ALONE and private.

The nesting impulse has struck, but in my case that means that I filled the freezer with healthy-ish convenient foods for after Maggie arrives. I'm doing laundry tonight so I can pack my bag and have it ready, just in case. Everyone has been reminding me that subsequent deliveries are usually much quicker than the first one. Only about 3 hours elapsed between my first real contraction and Charlotte's emergence (5 1/2 hours from when my water broke), so the consensus is that I'll have no time to dawdle once Maggie announces her intention to come out. Of course, that has no bearing on the early/late/on-time part of the equation, but once it starts I may not have time to shower, eat, and pack like I did last time.

So, huge, achey, and tired but feeling quite well otherwise. Charlotte is excited to meet her baby sister and made a teddy bear for her this week, complete with recorded message, "Happy Birthday, Maggie! I love you." She made one for herself too, and insisted on picking the identical bear for both herself and the baby. The nursery is not ready, and we still need to get the guest bed out of Charlotte's room so my mother has someplace to sleep. Therefore, I am confident that Maggie will not be more than a week early...maybe 10 days, giving us time to finish all the preparations. I'll do my best to post before heading off to the hospital, so if you don't see anything for a week or two, assume I'm still pregnant.

spelling?

2012-01-11T20:14:00.002-05:00

New and remarkable development this week- Charlotte has begun spelling things. I think it started with one of her ST videos, in which she was introduced to the sign for refrigerator, which is spelled out as R - E - F. She's not so great at making the letters with her fingers; comes close, but misses some of the small details like the fingers being crossed for the letter R. But she recites the letters as she attempts to sign them, and she clearly knows that R - E - F means refrigerator. She also loves to spell S - T - O - P, sometimes forgetting the S, and R - U - G. While reading "Good night, Gorilla (her current fave)" tonight, she pointed to the word "zoo" and declared "Two Os!" In addition to her singing and general babble, she now strings together apparently-random letter sequences, then looks at me as if to ask if she spelled a real word. She came out with "red" and "wet" today and was very excited when I told her she had spelled words that I could understand.

I may focus on early-reader books on our next library visit. This is so exciting!

making up for neglect

2012-01-07T23:27:00.009-05:00

I think I've promised photos on many occasions, then neglected to ever go back and include them. So, here are a few of my favorites...

Knowing full-well that she'd gotten too big for her baby swing, she insisted on trying it out.
Pumpkins!
Halloween- we did not trick-or-treat. She just wanted to walk around the neighborhood in her costume.
Completely fearless on the BIG slide at the local playground.

something new every day

2011-12-31T23:52:00.003-05:00

Last night, as I was getting her ready for bed, Charlotte started waving her hands in front of her face while saying "eh-poor, eh-poor." It took me a moment to realize she was saying and signing EXPLORE. I asked her what explore meant and she walked around the room pretending to look for something. One of our newer Signing Time videos is about the great outdoors- animals and nature terms and words like tent, camping, and explore. We've watched it maybe 4 or 5 times, and her focus has consistently been on the animals. But suddenly, she tossed out "explore." And today, "tent." Every day this little girl amazes me.

I started listing some of her recently-acquired words, but there are too many. She is such a sponge right now, picking up everything anyone says or does. Incredible. We tell her every day that she's awesome, and she returns the compliment... "Mommy awesome. Daddy awesome, too."

She has at least two new teeth, canines that finally broke through on the right side. The top left one might be through too, but it's hard to see. The bottom left is visible through her gums, but not quite broken through. That's 14 teeth now.

We have a name for the baby. C proposed it on Christmas eve, and it grabbed me right away. Her nickname will be Maggie, short for Margaret Frances. Charlotte now pulls up my shirt and calls, "Maggie wake up! Maggie moving?" Charlotte understands that Maggie will come out on Maggie's birthday, but we don't know what day that will be. Today, I think I convinced her that once a baby comes out, she can't go back in. I don't know if Charlotte wants to go back in once Maggie vacates her spot, or if she wants to send Maggie back in. Either way, she kept saying, "Back in Mommy" until I convinced her that wasn't a possibility. If Charlotte is half as loving with Maggie as she is with her dolls, this baby will be drowning in hugs and kisses... and blankets.

My pubic bones ache like mad now, especially towards the end of the day. My ankles no longer return to normal after a night's sleep. The GD seems to affect my blood sugar only before 11 am. Once I make it to lunch, I never see high numbers, no matter what I eat or how little I walk. In fact, after pizza today I measured the lowest blood sugar number I've ever seen. And all I did in the hour between eating and testing was put Charlotte down for a nap and read a book.

Maggie has the hiccups now. Charlotte is sleeping (have I mentioned what a terrific sleeper she is?). It's January first already. Happy New Year all!

at 21 months...

2011-12-25T23:48:00.003-05:00

Just to document what our precocious little toddler is up to these days, I must mention...

She sings. Not just made-up songs like "Daddy song" that I mentioned before. Now she sings "Twinkle Twinkle," "Ring Around the Rosie," and my own version of "Rock-a-Bye" that I made up in the hospital when she and I were alone for the first time ("Rock-a-bye Charlotte in my arms. We love you and all of your charms. You're the best girl that we ever knew. We love you Charlotte. Yes, we do."). She has attempted the alphabet, and occasionally makes it through all the syllables with the tune, but not all are pronounced correctly. She also starts "Frosty the Snowman" and "Jingle Bells," but hasn't learned all the words yet.

She can count to thirteen, but when she's counting something she likes to go back and count certain items more than once so she can end on one of her preferred numbers... usually 5 or 10. She can correctly identify numerals 1, 3, 4, 7, 8, and 0. She gets 2 & 5 and 6 & 9 mixed up, possibly because they so closely resemble each other upside-down.

She can put her shoes and socks on all by herself. The shoes are often on the wrong feet, but she'd rather keep them that way than suffer the indignity of someone correcting her efforts.

She can put her legs into her pants, but doesn't yet know how to pull them up. Sometimes both of her legs end up in one pant leg.

Given a letter of the alphabet and a word or two that begin with that letter, she can name additional words that also begin with it. She can do that for several letters, not all or even half yet. But wow, what a start. Some of her favorites are "D-d-d-DADDY!" and "M-m-m-Mommy!"

She understands that she is more likely to get what she asks for, and to get it more quickly, if she asks nicely for it. "Watch Elmo NOW" has been replaced with, "Please, Mommy, watch Elmo TV?"

Some days, if I haven't gotten a shower before she wakes up in the morning, she takes a shower with me. She doesn't mind the water splashing all over at all, even in her face and eyes.

Given the choice between wearing a dress or jeans, she chooses the dress every time.

She fearlessly slides down any slide at any playground we've been to, all by herself, even when no one is there to catch her at the bottom. Then she shouts, "Do it again! (her absolute favorite phrase)" and runs back to the ladder or stairs to climb up and slide again.

She usually waits to poop until she has a fresh, clean diaper on. Then she announces that she has a poopy diaper and needs to be changed again.

Nap and bedtimes are a breeze. She loves to snuggle down with her babies (she sleeps with 3 dolls and several stuffed animals) at bedtime, and looks forward to afternoon "quiet time" when she can take a couple of books to bed with her to read while listening to a BST CD. She sleeps from 7:30 until 7 every night, and naps for 2-3 hours every afternoon, starting at around noon.

Charlotte has mastered most of the signs from the three Signing Time DVDs we've watched so far, in addition to all the Baby Signing Time signs. She usually speaks the word as she signs it, so signing has really become a tool to reinforce her spoken words. When I can't understand what she's saying, I ask if she knows the signs for her words. Misunderstandings don't last long.

She climbs and descends the stairs holding just one hand while her other leans on the wall or holds the railing. The rail is still a little high for her, but she doesn't like two-handed help any more.

She drinks water out of a big girl plastic cup without any sippy or straw attached. When she's had enough to drink, she takes a big swig and lets it dribble down her chin.

She loves to talk to and poke at the baby. She knows that the baby will drink milk from mommy when she's born, that the baby will come out on the baby's birthday, which we don't know yet, and that babies sleep a lot. She wants to teach the baby to roll a ball.

Charlotte loves trains and Elmo and Abby Cadabby and her baby dolls. She is an avid "reader." She reminds me often that we should go to the library for more new books.

so quickly

2011-12-25T23:10:00.002-05:00

Just over 6 weeks left in this pregnancy. Unbelievable. The nursery STILL does not exist- is full of two desks and chairs, papers and files, and most un-nursery-like, the cat's litter box. That's our project for the week- clear it all out. And choose a paint color. And a carpet, unless we do a fantastic job of cleaning the existing one. But the thought of a new baby crawling all over the rug that once housed the litter box makes my skin crawl, so I suspect the room will see new carpet. So much left to do, and time is flying by faster each time I pause to consider it.

33-week visit to the midwife this past week- all is perfect. I also had a level-2 u/s, at which all the organs were functoning perfectly and #2 measured in at the 46th percentile. We also saw a lot of hair on her perfectly-formed little head. I don't know if Charlotte's hair showed up on u/s and no one ever pointed it out, or if this baby has a whole lot of hair, but now we know she's definitely got some. It'll be interesting to see just how much when she comes out. GD be damned, this baby is matching Charlotte's growth stride for stride. Speaking of which, my glucose levels have stabilized. In the spirit of the holiday, and since I was working retail on the Friday before Christmas, I had two cookies in addition to my carb-controlled lunch. My blood sugar was lower than it has been after any meal since I started measuring it. So, I gave myself the weekend off from monitoring.

For reasons that have not been made clear to me, the OB/MW practice will be much less cautious about me this pregnancy. With Charlotte, I went in for twice-a-week NSTs and weekly BPPs from 32 weeks until delivery. This time, I am scheduled for no more ultrasounds at all. None. Nada. Not a single one. If I press the issue, they'll give me one more growth-check at 36 weeks. But I really don't believe we need it. I will have a weekly NST, though, starting Tuesday at nearly 34 weeks. From my (Dr. Google) research, it appears that the biggest concern in an AMA (aka "Mommy's over the hill") pregnancy is a decrease in amniotic fluid. I've been assured that the NSTs and bi-weekly visits to the OB or MW will be sufficient to catch any problems before they become critical. And the OB/MW visits become weekly after 36 weeks, so someone will be checking us out twice a week for pretty much the rest of this. As far as the baby's size is concerned, provided my blood sugar continues to be controlled through diet and exercise (the miracle of the 15-minute post-meal walk lives on!), I have nothing to worry about.

Basically, it seems that I am not the only one more relaxed this pregnancy. The medical personnel involved seem pretty calm about it too. Now my only concern is that my water may not break to signal that it's time to head to the hospital. True "labor" didn't start until we were already there last time, and then it went very quickly. Second babies are supposedly even faster to arrive. We don't have a huge margin for error. It'll be interesting, to say the least.

I found out that the hospital DOES have rocking chairs available, and that they were available when I birthed Charlotte. It didn't occur to me to ask for one while I was there, but I will make a point of it this time. Even before the baby is born, I'll put in my request.

Physically, I am mostly feeling completely normal. The baby moves a lot, so I feel a lot of jabs, pokes, and rolls in addition to BH contractions that usually set in when I overexert or haven't had a drink in a few hours. I tire more easily, and deep breathing takes effort. By day's end, my pubic bones feel completely beat up and moving my legs sideways is excrutiating. But a decent night's sleep seems to cure that, as well as the very minor ankle swelling that I've encountered thus far. Sitting at the computer is bad news for both, though, so I'll end this here. Suffice it to say that I a feeling great 90% of the time, and would probably not notice the aches and swelling if I went to bed a little earlier.

Merry Christmas to everyone. I wish you all the best this holiday season and beyond.

make mine a double

2011-12-08T00:51:00.002-05:00

After a lot of research, I finally picked out our double stroller. By the time #2 us here, Charlotte will be not-quite-2 and not ready to abandon a free ride on trips to the zoo or the mall (for people-watching and indoor walking when the weather makes it dangerous to walk outside). I decided on the Joovy Caboose. I like that the back seat is padded and has a seat belt, but I'm a little concerned about the lack of space when the front is occupied by a carrier, but we'll have time to practice before the new baby gets here. The stroller should be here within a week and the baby is due 2/9. I know Charlotte will enjoy the stand-up option. She'll have a higher vantage point from which to see the world, and she'll be a big girl who doesn't need to sit down all the time.

We upgraded our car last week. I would have been the only one able to drive our Corolla if 2 car seats were in the back. C wouldn't fit (well, technically, he could squeeze in but only with a bit of uncomfortable pretzeling) when the driver's seat is forward to accommodate Charlotte's convertible. And the convertible takes up less room than the carrier did. Now, we have a sleek little wagon with liberating sliding doors and three rows of seats. Even with two car seats, we can take on two passengers in addition to our little family. I'm planning for a future with carpools and playdates, when I'll need to take more than just my two girls. We looked at a lot of small and mid-sized SUVs, but without a 3rd row (and a much higher price tag, plus horrible mileage), we'd never have room for more than the 4 of us. It's not flashy or sporty, but so far I am loving the new wheels.

When Charlotte was an infant, she never liked my Mobi wrap. Slings seem a little too precarious, and she never liked those either. So, in anticipation of toting #2 to Charlotte's music class and to the playground and generally carrying her around the house with me (Charlotte didn't like to sleep unless held for the first month or two), I bought an Ergo carrier. I tried it on today, 7-month belly and all. Obviously, I'm not about to carry anyone on my front, but it fit quite comfortably on my hip. Charlotte was super-curious, so I plopped her into it and she loved it, much to my surprise. She kept asking me to walk around the house giving her a ride in it. I hope #2 likes it as well.

Still no crib for #2, and the nursery has not been emptied out or redecorated. It struck me yesterday that we only have 2 months left. Nine weeks! And that's assuming the baby's not early. Yikes! We have plenty of clothes, and she'll sleep in the basinett for the first few months anyhow, so I'm not panicking yet. It would be nice to get it done, though. And, not that I'm complaining, C hasn't been laid off yet, and may wind up working on a job that might continue thorugh the whole winter. I'll keep picking at the room. Mostly, I hope to have the guest bed in there before the baby comes so that she and I can share a room for the first few weeks while we settle into some semblance of a routine. My Mom will also need a place to sleep when she stays here with Charlotte while I'm in the hospital.

We may cloth-diaper. I'm still debating, but today Zulily is offering some Fuzzibuns for an unheard of price (they have ugly phrases/pictures on the butt- I guess no one was buying them at retail). I might pick up a few to try out on Charlotte before making my real decision. Anyone care to weigh in on their experience with cloth diapering?

It's past 1 am, and I am not asleep. This has become my routine... I simply cannot fall asleep at a reasonable hour, but I'm consistently exhausted all day. I've tried not napping, but that doesn;t seem to affect my nighttime wakefulness. I need to find a solution, and soon. I can feel my mind turning to mush.

GD- not too bad, so far

2011-12-05T23:55:00.002-05:00

I had my GD session last week and learned that my numbers from the 3-hr GTT were remarkably similar to those I had two years ago. The specifics are downstairs, and I am too lazy at the moment to make that walk, so I'll include them later in case anyone's curious. Or maybe just for my own reference since I read back on this blog to remind myself what happened when and what I thought of it. Glocometers and lancing devices have gotten smaller since my last pregnancy, but I'm happy to report that the 15-20 minute walk still works miracles. It's difficult, though, to get out and walk after each meal when I have to consider Charlotte's meals and naptimes and wants/needs.
Not to mention my own desire to put her in her bed each night- I love the sleepy hugs and kisses, and especially the blowing... [in her music class, there's always a lullaby, preceeded by the instruction to count to 3 and blow the lights out]. Now that she doesn't object to bedtime, she lies down and asks me to cover her with a blanket, then immediately tries to blow out the lights. I have to remind her to count to 3 first, giving me time to walk to the light switch by the door. Sometimes, she calls out "Sweet dreams" to me as I leave the room.

So, in spite of only sporadic walking, my blood sugar has been mostly OK. It will improve as I get used to counting carbs again, and already it's gotten me into a better mindset as far as my diet is concerned. I was a little too lenient on myself before, but now I have the extra incentive I needed to eat the way I should.

Baby #2 still doesn't have a name. When I think of one I like, C vetoes it. And I haven't been enamored with any of his selections. We both so loved Charlotte's name that it's making compromise difficult this time.

I have a 31-ish-week OB appointment tomorrow. As we near the home-stretch of this pregnancy I'll be scheduling the twice-a-week NSTs and weekly BPPs that swallowed up my schedule last time. I hate the cost of them, and will have to make arrangements for a babysitter (thank goodness for my parents), but I look forward to paying more attention to this little one, who I fear has been a little neglected compared with her big sister. I just don't have the time to obsess over every little thing with this pregnancy. Charlotte isn't a demanding little girl, but I enjoy devoting as much time and attention to her as I can. She's learning something new daily, hourly, almost by the minute, and I don't want to miss a thing.

Charlotte isn't demanding, but she tries to be. Whenever she wants something, she tells us by announcing "Need that NOW!" She learned the word "now" from me, I must admit. As in, "Charlotte, sit down on that chair now. Chairs are for sitting, not standing." Or, "Charlotte, get away from that {dangerous thing} now before you get hurt." She no longer sits in my lap for storytime, but walks around the room and returns to peek at her favorite pictures as I read to her. She does listen to the stories, though, and her favorite changes every week or so. She loves getting new books from the library, too, so we go at least every other week.

Music class is on hiatus until the new year, but Charlotte loves to sing and dance any old time. She makes up songs. The Daddy Song, for example, goes something like this, "Daddy so-ong. Oh, Daddy song. Daddy, Daddy song." She made up a similar Mommy song, Grandma song, Reilly (our cat) song, ... We have songs for brushing our teeth, pulling on socks, pouring milk. Everything is an event worth celebrating with a song. And when she doesn't feel like making one up, she loves to sing "Pop Goes the Weasel" or "Ring Around the Rosy." She sings most of the ABCs, and recognizes maybe 6 or 7 letters now- especially C for Charlotte, U for upside-downm M for Mommy, and D for Daddy. She is finally associating numbers with the counting of things, although she isn't always accurate. For instance, she counted her fingers last night and only had four on one hand because pointed a lot faster than she spoke, running out of fingers to point to before she reached the number 5. She loves numbers, and will spontaneously start counting even when there's nothing to count. She recognizes the numbers zero, four, five, and eight, but I wouldn't claim that she knows how many each represents.

Charlotte likes to feel and see the baby moving under my skin. She'll pull up my shirt to "look at the baby," and tries to poke her awake if the baby isn't already moving. My belly has gotten lots of hugs and kisses in addition to the pokes, but I really doubt Charlotte understands that a real person is in there who will soon be sharing Charlotte's home and parents. Charlotte goes with me to my OB appointments. She was very protective at first and cried when the nurse wrapped my arm in a cuff to check my blood pressure, but now she thinks of it as a hug for my arm.

It's way past bedtime, and I could babble on for hours more.Happy holiday season, everyone!

oops

2011-11-22T23:44:00.002-05:00

3-hour GTT today, and I failed. Decisively. It worries me that I might have been allowed to float through the rest of this pregnancy undiagnosed as a result of the 1-hour test. I'm grateful for my overprotective OB. I am also grateful for the understanding phlebotomist at the lab who allowed me to spend the hour between each draw in the hospital lobby instead of the lab waiting room. The lab's chairs were not made for pregnant women, nor for anyone who has to sit in them for more than 10 minutes. The lobby, on the other hand... heaven.

I'll meet with a counsellor next week for my "diabetes education session" and get the specific numbers from the 3hr GTT. I passed only on the 3rd hour's draw- even my fasting level was over the limit.

So, minimal pie and stuffing for me this Thanksgiving, plus a brisk walk afterwards. Happy holiday, everyone!

things change

2011-11-18T15:12:00.002-05:00

"They" say that no two pregnancies are alike. Well, I can attest to that. I took the 1-hour glucose test today and got my Rhogam shot. I did those two things together during my previous pregnancy, on 12/31/2009, and failed the GTT but the shot didn't hurt a bit. This time I PASSED!!!!! the GTT, and the shot hurt. Not a bad trade-off, eh?

Last time, the cut-off for the GTT was 140 and I was at 170 an hour after the orange drink. This time, they've lowered the cut-off to 135 and I was just 130. Alas, because of my history, they're making me do the 3-hour test anyhow. I'm kind of wondering why we bothered with the 1-hour at all, but I'm happy with my better number.

I have my suspicions as to why my glucose level was lower this time. I brought Charlotte with me, so instead of sitting around for an hour, I was moving around a lot with her... we sat for a few minutes in the waiting room, then escaped to the hall bench to get away from the blaring TV. Then she asked for a snack and had to walk each dropped Cheerio individually back to the trash can in the waiting room. Then we saw sunlight at the end of a hallway and had to check out the view from those windows. We tried to go back into the waiting room for the last few minutes, but someone had too much cologne on and I couldn't breathe in there. I was also not advised to eat a high-protein, low-carb breakfast last time. If I'd passed the 1-hour test while pregnant with Charlotte, and I hadn't been monitoring my blod sugar for the last 11 weeks of that pregnancy, I wonder how big she would have been.

Even if I somehow miraculously pass the 3-hour test (and I'd really like to), I'll make an effort to walk after most meals like I did with Charlotte. I'll be worried the whole rest of the pregnancy that, unmonitored, my blood sugar levels will be just high enough to grow an overly large baby that I'll have trouble birthing. Walking was my solution before, and I'm sure it'll help again, monitored blood sugar or not.

In other news, I've been out of work for nearly a year now. News stories about "the unemployed" continue to emphasize that the longer one is out of work, the less attractive one appears to potential employers. I'm working a little bit- 1 or 2 retail shifts each week now that my seasonal gig has ended. I'll keep that up until Christmas, or until my ankles consistently disappear when I'm on my feet for 4 hours. I'll be wearing support stockings to keep swelling at bay. I don't remember exactly when I lost my ankles last time, but believe it wasn't until the last few weeks of the pregnancy.

I feel pretty good- reasonably energetic most of the time, with just a few aches and pains that I completely expected. This baby has been making big moves for about a month now. The early flutters grew quickly into jabs, pokes, and rolls that can be both seen and felt from the outside. I have a hard time believing we're less than 12 weeks from meeting this little person. 83 days. I didn't even mark the day we dropped to double-digits. We're touring the birthing center this weekend, mostly to find out if they have gotten rocking chairs. If not, I'll have to find a portable one to bring with me because the first days of nursing are, I think, made more difficult by the uncomfortable vinyl hospital chairs that are the only thing to sit on besides the (also uncomfortable and vinyl) bed.

The twice-weekly NSTs (non-stress tests) and once-weekly BPPs (biophysical prophiles) will start at 32 weeks. I have a second level 2 ultrasound scheduled at 33 weeks to re-check the baby's proportions and weight and overall development. My 3-hour GTT will be on Tuesday, just in time to make a mess of my Thanksgiving stuffing and pie plans. (I never cared much for turkey, but I love the trimmings and desserts) As I rattles these things off and look at the calendar, I realize we need to get cracking on the nursery. We haven't done a thing yet, aside from beginning to clean up the office paperwork. We haven't even gotten/ordered/selected/borrowed a crib, but one was offered to us a few weeks ago. I'll have to see if it's still available and what condition it's in.

So much to do, and the time is flying faster than ever. Whee!

lots of words, but not much to say

2011-10-26T00:46:00.003-04:00

Oh, the chatterbox. Quite suddenly, Charlotte has really discovered her voice. She's almost constantly talking and singing, narrating her way through the day and then recounting it to anyone within earshot. Her first words in the morning, after the "Mommy come!" that draws me into her room to rescue her from the crib, are always "Read Elmo book." But she no longer wants to read one of the stories in the big Elmo book. No, she just wants to "find Lola." One little blue monster who appears on about 4 of the book's 200 pages, Lola isn't a Sesame Street regular. In fact, I'd never heard of her (or Herry and Flossie) until we read this book. For a couple of weeks now, searching for Lola has overshadowed the reading of almost any book in our collection.

Charlotte and I are sharing a cold this week. We both have nasty coughs... hers is somewhat scary because when it strikes in the middle of the night, it often leaves her gasping for air. All I can think of are those pertussis vaccine commercials, but her gasping isn't as bad as that. Still, if either of us does not improve significantly by the end of the week, at least one of us will be visiting the doctor. I read on Web.MD that I should wait two weeks before consulting a physician about a questionable cough, but since Charlotte's young and I'm pregnant, I've decided to shorten the timeline. Luckily, we have no fevers at this point, although Charlotte did have a slightly elevated temp (99.4) over the weekend. My cough always sounds worse than it is, so I don't really think I have anything worse than a simple cold, but it's left my throat feeling like I swallowed a handful of broken glass. I'm snoring loudly enough to wake C, and my mouth is so dry in the morning from exclusive mouth-breathing that I can't talk until I've had a glass of water.

Charlotte and I have been enjoying music classes since last December, and we've rejoined the swim classes at a local gym starting this weekend. Charlotte loves water, and I'm looking forward to relieving some gravity now that my belly is beginning to noticeably weigh something. Baby #2 is still moving around a lot- no big movements and nothing visible from the outside, but it's movement enough that I can feel her with my hand and not just on the inside. I can't wait for the movements to get a little bigger so I can let Charlotte feel them. I think they're too subtle for that now.

We're planning to use hypnobirthing techniques again, and I just dusted off the book this morning. I never did listen to the CD that accompanied the book, but since we're not taking a childbirth class this time around, I'll break that out at some point. I have a relaxation CD around here somewhere that I hope to find again, too. I'm both looking forward to and dreading this birth- our first was so perfect that I fear there may only be room for disappointment with this second go. And I expect the resulting baby to be Charlotte's opposite... a colicky poor nurser with day/night confusion.

My p/t seasonal job ends next week- HURRAY! I look forward to afternoon naps and time enough to cook dinner more than once a week. I've been leaving at 1 every day and getting home between 6 and 7. A couple of times, I didn't make it back until after 7:30 and I didn't even get to put Charlotte to bed. I ached so much for her that I found myself wishing she'd wake up and need consoling in the middle of the night just so I could hold her. I've really enjoyed the job, though, and the kids I've been working with have been (for the most part) a real pleasure. While I don't intend to do this job again next year, I do expect to visit the kids to see how they're all doing. I can't see doing this while bf'ing a 7-month-old (next year's scenario). And I'm not sure my parents will be willing and able to babysit for two considering how much Charlotte wears them out. I'm planning to resume the retail gig that I left to take the seasonal job, but that's only 2 shifts each week, and now that I'm visibly pregnant I'll be able to take things a little easier (i.e. no climbing vertical racks to reach back-stocked merchandise). I'll get my discount back just in time for holiday shopping! Too bad we don't sell any baby stuff.

My next OB visit will be 11/8, just shy of 27 weeks. There's been no mention of the GTT, so I don't know when she plans for that to happen. I believe it was right at 27 weeks last time. Maybe we'll just assume I'd fail and skip the test itself. That would work for me! I may need a new glucose meter, though, since I can't remember where I stashed my old one. And I wonder just how inaccurate those meters are considering I can't just use it for the GTT. A finger prick is a lot easier than a full-fledged blood draw.

Snow is in the forecast already. Happy Fall everyone!

really?

2011-10-20T22:30:00.002-04:00

I blinked and suddenly I'm on the brink of the third trimester! Baby #2 is very active and seems to enjoy bouncing on my bladder, a very odd but not necessarily unpleasant sensation (no leaking as a result, or my opinion might be vastly different). I am finally quite obviously pregnant, not just questionably fat. I'm once again falling asleep nearly every time I sit down, but have trouble falling asleep in bed before 11 pm. On my own, I'm an "early-to-bed, early-to-rise" kind of person, so this is a bit out of character. Luckily, Charlotte has fully settled into her 1-nap-a-day routine and sleeps consistently until 7 or 7:30 every morning, so I don't have to get up at 5 to get in the shower before she demands my attention.

The first cold of the season is making the rounds of our home. C was sick first, and worst so far. Charlotte started off with a runny nose but now has a pitiful cough during the night as it seems to have settled into her chest. She had a slight fever today, so I may call the ped for some reassurance that it's just a cold and not something to worry about. I have a scratchy throat and expect to wake with the nose-faucet tomorrow. None of us has had a flu shot yet this year. My fingers are crossed that we won't need to have had the shot before we actually get it.

All-in-all, life is going on pretty normally and this pregnancy is flying by. We need to get to work soon on the nursery- empty out all our office stuff (and find a new home for it all) so we can paint over the pepto-pink walls and cloudy-sky ceiling. The mobile and artwork are here. I haven't thought about frames yet for the art, nor of a color for the walls. I should get on that soon, but will probably wait another couple of weeks until my seasonal job ends (which I have absolutely LOVED, by the way, but will be happy to put behind me). We're having a tough time deciding on a name for this baby- have come up with a couple of possibilities we could both live with but nothing either of us is crazy about. We'll know it when we find it, I hope.

Got to go... maybe I'll be asleep before 11 tonight.

A little update

2011-10-06T10:32:00.002-04:00

Charlotte had her 18-month ped appointment last week. She's quite the petite youngster, weighing in at 19 pounds 15 ounces and measuring 30.5 inches tall. I did not ask for the percentiles. Frankly, I don't care. She is who and what she is, and she amazes me every day. She's developing on or ahead of schedule. And someone's got to be on the bottom of the size chart or else the chart would be a lot narrower.

Physically, Charlotte seems very coordinated for her age. She walks with confidence, and has ever since she started walking for real (on 6/25/11, three days past 15 months). She's never had the toddler wobble, and almost never falls down (except when really tired or trying to run on uneven ground). She feeds herself with both fork and spoon, but tends to load up the spoon with far more food than can fit in her mouth so a lot ends up in her lap. Utensils lose their attraction about 10 minutes into a meal, though. Then she stuffs them into the gap between the armrest and the folding hinge on her highchair and pretends not to know where they're hiding. She loves to dip whatever she's eating in sauce- marinara is her favorite. She'll try any food I put in front of her, but prefers to stick with her short list of favorites- oatmeal, pasta with sprinkle cheese (or pesto- that's my girl!), fish sticks, hot dogs, baked chicken, whole grain bread, cheese, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, and pb&j sandwiches. When I eat after feeding her, she will eagerly eat off of my plate foods that she won't touch on her own. She usually has one "good" meal each day and then just nibbles on the rest.

She more or less dropped the morning nap three weeks ago, but the transition isn't quite complete. For example, she's teething (upper canines) and did not sleep well last night. She woke up at 5:45 and was ready for a nap at 8:30. She'll sleep again for an hour or so around 1:30 this afternoon. On a 1-nap day, she wakes around 7:00, has some quiet time around 9 (we read and play with her bedroom toys), and naps at about 12:45 for a couple of hours. She consistently goes to bed at 7:30, and protests only as long as someone is in the room with her. As soon as the door closes, she turns her attention to her stuffed animals and blankets, rearranging everything to her liking before settling down to sleep. About half the time, she asks to listen to music ("shooosic"), specifically BST's "New Day" CD, before C or I leave the room. Upon waking in the morning or after a nap, she's happy to play in her crib, babbling to her lambie, blankets, and babies for 20-45 minutes. When she's ready to face the world again, she calls, "Mommy come!"

I became "Mommy" instead of "Momma" on the same day we gave up (for the most part) the morning nap. Odd coincidence, as I don't believe the two milestones are at all related. I have no idea why she suddenly started calling me that.

And now she's awake, so that's the end of this post.

the big reveal...

2011-09-19T09:40:00.003-04:00

I wanted us to find out at the same time, so C and I opened this together on Wednesday night. We're excited. And we're name-hunting, since we'd picked out a boy's name (Elias Christopher) but had not settled on one for a girl. As soon as we decide on a name, we'll teach it to Charlotte so this baby will be "known" to her well before her actual arrival.

We get to re-use Charlotte's clothes!

tomorrow's the day

2011-09-13T22:44:00.003-04:00

We're going ahead with the plan to find out this baby's gender months before we meet him (odd date, ergo male pronouns). I have my u/s and meeting with an MFM tomorrow morning. I'll bring along an envelope and piece of paper on which the u/s tech will write the baby's gender. It'll stay sealed in the envelope until C and I can open it together tomorrow evening so we can find out at the same time. I want us to find out together, as we would have had we waited until birth day.

All this assumes, of course, that baby isn't shy about displaying his anatomy.

I'm excited. This feels like Christmas Eve, back when presents were surprises. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

a little different this time

2011-09-07T22:54:00.002-04:00

Did you know that peanut butter can trigger heartburn? I never had heartburn before, and since I continue to slather sandwiches with Wickles hot pepper relish (try it! It's delicious) and enjoy them with impunity, it didn't occur to me that something as innoccuous as peanut butter could cause pain. Garlic has become a minor issue too, but so far the heartburn is nothing a few generic Tums can't handle.

There was a time when I was pregnant with Charlotte that C tried to pursuade me to let us find out her gender before her birth day. I won (not that it was any sort of contest), and Charlotte's identity remained a mystery until we saw her face-to-face for the first time. This time, it looks like we'll be finding out early. I "let" C have his way and at next week's 19-week u/s, if the baby isn't excessively modest, we'll find out if Charlotte will have a baby sister or baby brother. C is trying to rationalize, emphasizing how much easier the transition to big sister will be for Charlotte if she knows the baby's name ahead of time. I think he has a point, but I also believe he just really wants to know.

In Charlotte news, her vocabulary continues to expand on a daily, almost hourly basis. At the grocery store last week, I let her hold the bag of onions (until she tried to take a bit out of one) and told her what they were. She rode around the store in the cart singing "un-un." Tonight, I shared some spaghetti with her and she called it "adetti." She calls out, "Simba (she says his full name now), warrooo?" when she can't find the cat ("where are you?"). She crawls underneath anything she can fit under, then peeks out and announces, "Under!" Each day, there's some different toy that she needs to "bring" everywhere she goes- "Bring book!" or "Bring duck!" When she really really wants something, she "NEEDs" it, spoken with a tinge of desperation... as if to say "why have you not handed this to me already?" She can say and correctly point to her eyes, nose, mouth, chin, cheeks, teeth, tongue, ears, eyebrows, neck, head, hair, back, arm, leg, sleeve, elbow, tushie, knee, foot, toe, ankle, and heel. Most surprisingly, she can count to 13! C and I usually get her started and prompt a number or two along the way, but once she reaches 5 she handles the rest completely on her own. The first time she did it, we couldn't believe our ears. I don't think she can identify actual numerals, but she knows that three is more than two. Just ask her how many cookies she'd like to eat.

Lemonade is still her favorite drink, and she can say it now without the extra syllables in the middle. Whenever she sees a ball, she tells me to kick it. We went to the library yesterday and she insisted we should find "bunny books!" so we came home with Peter Rabbit and a horrid book called Bunny Days (do you want to read about bunnies that get put in the washing machine, sucked into a vaccuum cleaner, and have their tails chopped off with garden shears?), as well as a couple of others. She loves to dance and spin when music is playing, and announce that she's dancing or spinning while she does it. We have a favorite song from a Sesame Street episode that we can listen and dance to again and again and again (What I am, performed by Will-i-am and the SS puppets- check it out. It's catchy and positive and exactly what I want my daughter to listen to). Soetimes she "needs" her "tu-tu" "on" while she dances. Her first 4-word sentence was, "Grandma read Elmo book." My parents babysit every afternoon while I work at my p/t, seasonal, low-paying but super-fun job, so she knows they're coming and makes plans for them.

My mind is a jumble now... I just realized I can't write a focused paragraph, so I'll end here and go to bed. Let's just say that 17 1/2 months is more fun than I imagined, and the fun increases every day.

Baby #2's nursery decor

2011-08-21T15:46:00.005-04:00

The art:

...and the mobile:

I love Etsy!

one at 17 months, the other at 15 weeks

2011-08-21T15:04:00.002-04:00

The big kid is continuing to amaze us at every turn. She can repeat nearly every word we say to her, and more of them stick than we thought possible. Charlotte has begun telling us (asking us?) to do things- "Daddy, grass, no!" means, "Daddy, please mow the lawn. The grass is so tall it trips me." "Hungry, eat, please, lemonade," means "I'm famished and need to eat NOW, and I need some lemonade, please." "Read Elmo Grandma, please," is "Read me the Elmo book that Grandma gave me, please." I'm awed by the fact that, 9 times out of ten, when she gets fussy I ask her to tell me in words what's wrong, and she calms right down and tells me!

It often takes an hour or more for Charlotte to fall asleep, even when she's noticeably tired. She's content to play in her crib, babbling with her caterpillar, lambie, and babies. Sometimes, she'll holler, "Momma, Daddy. Momma, Daddy!" But I think she's just checking to see if we'll come get her like we do in the morning (I usually wait to get her out of bed in the AM until she calls us to get her). When she gets no response, she goes back to her toys. We're still on 2 naps each day, except on the rare occasion when she sleeps until 7:30 in the morning- then we skip the AM nap. She's usually up at 6, and out of her crib by 6:30. I'd like to drop the morning nap soon, though, because I start a new job this week which will have me gone from 1:15 until 6:30 every day, and I don't want her to sleep away so much of the limited time we have together. It's also tough to squeeze in our trips to the grocery store, music class, and library story hour when the morning is interrupted for naptime. I may experiment with skipping the morning nap for the next few days to see what happens. We'll just move the afternoon one up from 2:00 to noon.

Charlotte knows, but doesn't necessarily understand, that there's a baby in Momma's belly. When she's on the changing table, she likes to reach over and pull up my shirt so she can kiss my belly. When we tell her she's going to be a wonderful big sister, she smiles and nods like she actually understands what we're saying.

Nursery prepaprations have begun. I selected some art from etsy and a terrific artist made a coordinating mobile for me (photos to follow in a separate post). The room is currently our office, and chock full of paperwork, computers, printers, desks, etc. It's also home to the litter box, so we'll need to get the cats used to finding that somewhere else well before Baby arrives. Our home's previous owners painted the room pink, with blue sky and puffy white clouds on the ceiling. We need to do a complete paint job. That's part of why Charlotte is in the room she has... we didn't want to empty out and paint the office at the time.

The second trimester has settled in already. The nausea and exhaustion are gone, although I still indulge in a little afternoon nap now and then. I haven't felt any movement yet, but heard a big one last week while listening to the heartbeat on the doppler with my midwife. Because I had GD with Charlotte, I was tested early for it this time. I'm happy to report that I passed, with plenty of room to spare. I'm off the hook until 26 weeks, when they'll test again. We passed on the "sequential screening" for DS. The process caused us a lot of unnecessary stress last time, and since the results are far from definitive we just don't see the point in putting ourselves through it again. So, there was no NT scan. I did have a "size/gestational age" ultrasound at 12 weeks, though, and Baby was measuring 2 days ahead (aka perfect). I'll meet with an MFM and have a level 2 u/s at 19 weeks, but won't have the bloodwork done that was part of sequential screening. When offered, we'll also decline the amnio. This baby is what he is (it's an odd date, so today the baby is HE), and no amount of testing can reveal the complexity of just who that's going to be.

I suspect, already, that this one's a boy. We will not be finding out before birth-day, but this pregnancy just feels different than my first. I know, I don't have a lot of experience. Some of the differences... 1) I've gained weight more rapidly than with Charlotte (14 pounds already); 2) Baby's heart rate is significantly lower than Charlotte's at this stage (143 bpm at 14w5d); 3) I've developed a little bit of acne, while I had super-clear skin while pregnant with Charlotte; 4) Milder nausea, but more constant, this time than last; 5) my belly is flat- it protrudes, just as you'd expect of someone who's pregnant, but the front surface is completely flat. I was very round with Charlotte, like carrying a watermelon; 6) I've gained weight all around my torso, instead of just in front. So, there you go... my first prediction. I wonder how many times I'll change it before we meet Baby.

I feel great now that the "flu" of the first trimester has passed. Most of the time, I don't feel pregnant at all. I've lost my taste for coffee (again), but have no real aversions or cravings to report. I'm terribly thirsty, but that could be becaue it's summer. None of my clothes fit comfortably and I'm trying to get by without buying much of anything since summer will be over soon. I can wear what I wore with Charlotte once the weather cools a bit. Bras are the biggest issue now, actually. There's not enough room between boob and belly for underwire, and I have yet to find a reasonably supportive no-wire bra. All the bras I began wearing when I stopped breastfeeding are too small in the band, while all the ones I wore before & during my first pregnancy are too big in the band.

Charlotte's finally napping (took her 45 minutes to fall asleep this time), so I will too. Be well everyone!

sweet sixteen

2011-07-24T23:47:00.002-04:00

...months, that is.

Charlotte continues to amaze me. The whole walking thing is old hat now, and she doesn't seem to care what sort of terrain she's on or if there's any kind of slope. She even tries to take the stairs with just her two feet, although about halfway up, she usually gives in and uses one knee and one foot. She won't even try to walk down stairs, or crawl down them. We're trying to teach her to slide down on her belly, but she'll only go down a step or two before heading back up again.

Baby Signing Time has been replaced by Elmo (pronounced "M'Elmo") as her entertainment of choice. She's utterly mesmerized by him. She can name several other Sesame Street characters too- Ernie, Abby, and Mr. Noodle being her other favorites. We still watch BST a couple of times each week, but now that she knows all the signs it doesn't seem to interest her as much as it used to. I'm trying to decide where to dive into the Signing Time series, since the first several videos re-cap the BST signs. Should I introduce her to the more "mature" format with signs she recognizes, or should I jump to new signs and hope the format isn't over her head? Either way, I love being able to communicate with her. She makes her wants known, with both signs and spoken words, and sometimes even tells me things ("grass wet" "milk cold").

New spoken words are sprouting up every day. Today's gem was "money." We have a wedding to attend on Saturday and needed a new shirt and tie for C, so we went shopping today. Charlotte brought her money (pillow-like coins in a clear vinyl change purse), and rode around in the cart waving it at everyone, saying "Hi! Money!" Another recent favorite is "lemon-emon-emon-ade" for her newly-discovered beverage of choice, lemonade. She's absolutely crazy about "bewwies (berries)," and is in for a rude awakening now that the last of the backyard blackberries have been picked. She loves to play "ah-ide (outside, simultaneously signed and spoken)," especially is we blow some "bubbles," which are fun to "pop, pop, pop!" She signs and says "ang oooo (thank you)" at appropriate times, completely unprompted, which makes me inordinately proud.

Physically, she's still on the small side but has gotten noticeably taller in the last month. Suddenly, she stretches her 12-month clothes to their vertical limits. The size 3 1/2 shoes that I bought on her birthday no longer fit. And my next diaper order is for size 4's because the 3's have become low-riders on her narrow hips.

We're still (happily) a 2-naps-a-day household, following a roughly 2-3-4 waking schedule- Up for 2 hours, then nap #1. Up for 3 hours, then nap #2. Up for 4 hours, then down for the night. She consistently goes to bed between 7 and 7:30 each night, and sleeps until 6-6:30. Sometimes, she goes willingly into her crib for a nap and then plays for an hour before falling asleep. But, as long as she's content and some napping takes place, I'm keeping both naps. I need them. I shower and clean up the breakfast dishes during nap #1, and take a nap myself during nap #2. I do look forward to losing the morning nap, though, because it will open up such a big chunk of the day for running errands or going out to play before it gets too hot. I'd love to take Charlotte to the zoo, aquarium, or children's museum, but it's tough to schedule such an outing between naps and meals.

Egad. It's late and I'm exhausted. More another time. Be well, all!

good good good

2011-07-12T06:12:00.000-04:00

Charlotte finally decided that walking is fun. On Saturday, 6/25, she made the switch from crawling and hasn't looked back since. Shoes, no shoes. Indoors or out. She's comfortable on two feet and loves that she can easily carry things in her hands while making her way. My back is thankful, but her fearlessness at the beach and on playgrounds sometimes makes my heart skip a beat. I love just sitting back and watching her walk wherever she wants (within reason). The confident smile on her face is priceless. Her 8th tooth finally broke through on the same day.

We made the 15-month visit to the pedi. Charlotte is the epitome of health, albeit on the petite side. She's a little more than 19 pounds (5th percentile). I didn't notice her height (15th percentile) because she was trying to wriggle off the measuring mat. She absolutely hated going to the doc this time and started crying as soon as we walked into an exam room. As a result, we decided to skip the scheduled shots. We'll have to go back soon to catch up, and I think the only one due at her 18-mo visit will be an early flu shot.

We bought Charlotte a new t-shirt...
...with the intention of subtley announcing the pregnancy by visiting various friends and family while she wore it. We couldn't keep the news to ourselves, though, especially since I already look pregnant (I think). We ended up telling our closest friends and family at 8 weeks, and then posted this photo on FB for the rest of the world to see.

This first trimester is kicking my butt. I'm perpetually exhausted, and have had mild but non-stop nausea for about 3 weeks now. I compared morning sickness to a hangover when I was pregnant with Charlotte. This time, it feels like the flu. It's been a fairly warm summer so far, which isn't helping at all. I'd love to take Charlotte to the beach every day so we can both cool off, but the amount of gear involved makes it more of an ordeal than I can handle that frequently. Instead, we have an inflatable kiddie pool in the backyard, and now that she's walking I may put out a sprinkler (the lawn can sure use it).

I'd mention something about eating and sleeping habits, but she's just waking up. Time for breakfast!

vocabulary update, now with spoken words

2011-06-21T07:59:00.003-04:00

Anyone who'd prefer not to read about a babbling toddler, but who's interested in the progress of an IVF pregnancy, please redirect yourself here.

Charlotte has not repeated her walking feat since Memorial Day. She's consistent about wanting to hold just one hand, actually just one finger, while traipsing around the house. And she's taken a few solo steps here and there, but nothing like she did on Memorial Day. "They" say that kids tend to develop either their motor skills or their verbal ones first, while the other lags a bit. This little girl has definitely been focused on the verbal side of things.

As far as signing goes, she's mastered nearly every sign in the Baby Signing Time series. "New" seems to be a tough one for her to understand, but when she hears Raffi singing "Day-o," she sings and signs "day" right along with the music. Same for "baby" in Baby Beluga. She made up her own sign for "wet," reaching up to touch my hair if I say the word because of the times I've gotten her up from a nap with my hair still wet from the shower. I found a TV show that often includes sign language and taped a couple of episodes, from which we both learned signs for "boy," "girl," "sit," "stand," "on," "off," and a few others. There's really no doubt what she's signing now, and I think even someone unfamiliar with her toddler interpretation of signs would be able to understand most of what she signs.

Verbally, she's become a sing-song chatterbox. The intonations make it sound like she's really saying something in complete thoughts and sentences, but "real" words pop up only once in a while during her conversations with herself (or her toys). Her favorite word by far is "baby," which she coincidentally introduced on the day we got our BFP. She tries to imitate our words, and has been pretty successful with many of them.
Some of her current spoken words:
day
dog
night
apple
berry (boy does she love blueberries and strawberries!)
bed
baby
Bobby
no
knee
back
nose
eye
eat
ball
rabbit
toe
bath
bubble
on
up
down
mama
dad
pool
beach
big
sleep
bee (or B, for Bruins... yay, Bruins!)
bear
lamb
sheep
boat

I'm sure I've left out a few, but she adds new ones every day so it's hard to keep track. She loves music, and has recently asked to listen to Antje Duvekot at nap and bedtime (with only three CDs in her room, it's that, Bruce Cockburn, or Mozart. I think Antje's cover is the most interesting-looking.). We've been going to Music Together classes since January and she really enjoys making music, dancing, and interacting with the other kids. Anyone roughly her size or smaller gets air-kisses and is excitedly called "baby." The other children seem a bit smitten with her and follow her around... even though she crawls and many of them are 2 or 3 years old.

I guess this is kind of a 15-month update. I just realized she turns 15 tomorrow. Wow... time is still flying, and I wonder how that will affect my perception of this pregnancy.

Sunday, we were picking out Fathers Day cards when she spotted one with the picture of a crying baby on it. She insisted on hugging and kissing the baby, and the one on the card behind the first one, to make him feel better. She truly seemed bothered by the fact that he wasn't happier after her affection.

Charlotte is about 30 inches tall, and weighs about 20 pounds now. She is solidly into 12-month sizes, although some 9- and 18-mo items fit too. She's still in size 3 diapers, but we had to upgrade to "overnights" at night because she was soaking through the regular ones.

Charlotte eats pretty much anything. She's willing to taste anything new, especially if she sees me eat it first. When she doesn't like something, she swallows it quickly to get it out of her mouth, which means she doesn't chew it so she gags on it and then spits it back up. I hope she learns soon how to just spit something out if she doesn't like it so we can skip the gagging/spit-up drama and mess. She takes all her beverages from sippies with straws now, with occasional attempts to drink from a "big girl" cup. Not a lot of success there- she likes to put the cup under her lip so most of the liquid pours down her chin. When she concentrates on it, though, she is quite capable of drinking from a regular cup.
Until a week or so ago, her normal meal schedule was 8oz of whole milk upon waking, followed by a bowl of 7-grain cereal with fruit after her morning nap. Lately, though, milk has not been enough first-thing in the morning, so she gets some yogurt or fruit along with it. Lunch is usually a deconstructed sandwich or yogurt+wheat germ, plus some cut up veggie and fruit and milk. She's not always interested in a snack after her afternoon nap, but I always offer her some fruit, cheese, crackers, or toast. Dinner can be just about anything, especially if there's sauce for her to dip things in. She loves chicken, fish, pasta, meatballs, and pizza. Broccoli is her favorite vegetable, so I have to admit we serve that to her often. Chopped-up tomatoes are a hit too, sometimes. It's not easy to find organic veggies that make good finger-foods, but our CSA will help with that starting this week. All-told, she drinks 16-24oz of milk every day. She has a cup of water available to her all the time too. We haven't done much with juices- C and I don't usually drink juice, so we haven't encouraged Charlotte to. We prefer to give her lots of fresh fruit for snacks and "dessert." Charlotte is absolutely crazy for strawberries and blueberries, and watermelon was a big hit, as has been mango. Apples are especially enjoyed if she and I share one, taking turns taking bites, but applesauce is yummy too. Charlotte's biggest meal of the day is usually after her morning nap, at around 10am, and then she just nibbles the rest of the day.

Socially, Charlotte ADORES people. She says "Hi" and waves to everyone we pass. We're hardly out of the car anywhere we go before she starts making friends. She's noticeably disappointed when someone doesn't return her greeting or at least smile at her. She doesn't seem to have any stranger anxiety, but that's when I'm around. I suspect she might react differently if I weren't. At music class this week, she crawled over to another mom (whose son had wandered off to look in a mirror), reached up to take her hands, and led her around the room for a couple of minutes. And this was at a make-up class, with parents and kids we'd never met before.

In addition to babies, Charlotte loves rocks. At the beach, she likes to stand in the water and pick up the biggest rocks she can handle, then give them to me to toss them back in the water with a big splash. In our stone driveway, she likes to fill my hands with rocks, then relocate them to some other place... like the lawn or the front walk.
She likes to sit in my kayak in the back yard, then test her limits by standing up and telling me, "No," when I remind her that she needs to sit, not stand, in a kayak. She does that with chairs too... stand up, then tell me "No," as she sits down again. It's as though she wants to make sure the rules have not changed. The "No," isn't a challenge or a "No, I won't" kind of thing- more like she's demonstrating to me what should not be done.

Geez- there's so much to say about this wonderful little girl. But I need to take a shower before she wakes up, so I'll end it here. She continues to be the source of much amazement and joy.

perfect

2011-06-20T13:46:00.001-04:00

6w4d u/s

HR 115 bpm

Measuring 6 weeks (Charlotte started off slowly too).

Singleton.

Hurray!

BFP

2011-06-01T13:07:00.002-04:00

11DP2DT- thrilled doesn't begin to say it.

memorable weekend

2011-05-30T21:42:00.002-04:00

Anyone who'd rather forego the amused ramblings of a toddler-mom and go straight to the IVF cycle details, please redirect here.

I am weak. I knew it was too early, yet P'dOAS anyhow. Not just once. Twice. I still have one left, and intend to use it tomorrow morning. So far, they're been negative and I'm convincing myself that it's still too early for an HPT to yield any other result. My beta is scheduled for Friday. There's plenty of time for a +HPT between now and then.

The big news this holiday weekend is that Charlotte started walking! She's been walking steadily, holding anyone's hands, since October or thereabouts. She's been cruising like a champ since Thanksgiving or earlier. She took her first unassistend (yet totally provoked) steps months ago, and had taken a few unprompted ones on occasion. This afternoon, she was suddenly confident enough to walk around the house holding just one hand. We've been trying to get her to do that for what seems like forever, both because we knew she could do it and to save our aching backs. Then, this evening, she stood up (using nothing to assist her, which she's been doing for a month now), looked at me with a sly grin, and started walking across the room. She paused halfway to her destination to look over her shoulder as if to verify she had an audience, then finished the trip. No stutter-steps. No hesitation. No stiff-legged newbie-walker strides. She WALKED. Like a kid who knows how to walk.

No positive pregnancy test this weekend, but we officially have a toddler in the house now. I'm happy.

28 retrieved. 4 fertilized.

2011-05-20T21:56:00.002-04:00

2-day transfer on Saturday afternoon. I guess I can't ignore my age forever.

plugging along and hoping for the best

2011-05-13T14:17:00.003-04:00

On the IVF front, we're on CD7 now and I continue my high dose Gonal-F through the morning of CD9. An u/s and some b/w on CD9 will likely lead to tweaking my dose, but the b/w this morning yielded no change. I'm bloated, so I know something is happening. And the CM... well, even this early, let's just say it's there. But I'm apparently not responding like I did two years ago. Somehow, I thought I would even though time and age should have lowered my expectations a bit. I'm still optimistic, but not expecting the same dramatic numbers we saw in 2009. Maybe that will make this easier- I won't be surrounded by doctors and nurses saying "FREEZE ALL!" and I won't have to worry so much about OHSS.

Anyone want to guess how the cycle will go this time? In 2009, during the cycle that worked, we ended up with 40 eggs retrieved on CD12. 24 were mature, and 15 fertilized. We transferred 5 embryos on CD15, which led to a singleton pregnancy and a +HPT at 9DP3DT. My guess... 31 follicles on CD12: 19 mature, of which 11 will fertilize, and we'll again transfer 5 on CD15. I like prime numbers.

I've been had (amended)

2011-05-08T19:47:00.003-04:00

SHOP AROUND for your drugs!

There was a Freedom Fertility Pharmacy pamphlet at the RE's office, and it indicated that their prices were available online. So, I looked. I paid over $1200 for each 900U Gonal-F pen (I paid half that... insurance covered the rest). Freedom sells them for $780**. You'd think the RE would have known such price discrepancies exist, and would have warned me or at least advised me to look around before they placed the order!

Is the RE getting a kickback from my pharmacy?

** I just looked more closely at Freedom's web site. The "current" prices that they published were current as of October 2009. I sent them an email requesting truly current prices for the drugs I am using and will withold judgement of all parties involved until I find out of their actual prices are similar to what I was charged. I'll let y'all know what I learn.

down

2011-05-04T14:27:00.003-04:00

I'm feeling pretty glum. Shelled out >$3k for the stims. The house needs a new roof. Fuel prices have completely eradicated our business profits. And remember that interview I had at the beginning of March- the one with the company that laid me off? Well, I didn't get the job (old news- I've known that for over a month), but BOTH of the other interviewees did. They said there was just one opening, but somehow, they're both emailing from a work email address now. Three people interviewed for one job, and I'm the only one still unemployed.

Yes, I tend to focus on the silver lining in every scenario. I treasure the time I have with Charlotte. And in an ideal world, I'd stay home with her voluntarily. But we really can't afford this right now. And I am terrified that something may happen to C. If he's out of work for any reason, we're sunk... completely. I'm approaching the 6-month mark. Interviews on NPR with employers repeated over and over that when someone becomes "long-term unemployed," they're even less likely to find a job or be seen as desirable by a potential employer. "Long-term" begins at 6 months.

I've said before that I should start buying lottery tickets. I was joking then. I think I may actually buy some now.

a breakthrough?

2011-04-25T22:50:00.003-04:00

If you're here to follow IVF progress and would rather not read about a near toddler, please redirect yourself here. Thanks!

Tonight, for the first time since early January, Charlotte went to bed without protest! Not only that, she actually leaned out of my arms toward her crib as we stood beside it saying "Goodnight!" to all her toys. It was about 45 minutes past her usual bedtime, and she'd just taken a bath, AND she had a messed up nap schedule today, so I'm sure she was completely exhausted. I hope this marks the end of the "I don't wanna sleep!" phase.

In other news, her vocabulary continues to expand. The other day, we were "walking" down the hall when I asked her to help me put her toys away. She let go of my hands (she's not walking solo yet), sat down, and signed "help." Then she reached up for my hands so we could walk some more as though nothing remarkable had happened. She'd only just been introduced to the sign that morning, and I didn't know it had sunk in. Amazing. She also learned BOY, GIRL, and COOKIE that day.

That's all I have in me right now. I'll write a more involved 13-month post soon. G'night!

it's all good

2011-04-14T08:40:00.005-04:00

Anyone stopping by from CycleSista who doesn't want to read about life with an almost-toddler, but who is interested in hearing about an IVF cycle that's just getting under way, please go to this page. Thanks!

Everything has fallen nicely into place for our IVF cycle. My body jumped immediately back into my usual rhythm and today is CD7. Lupron will begin on CD22, assuming the CD21 BW results are acceptable. C had blood drawn for the requisite STD testing, and I had a mammo on Tuesday. My last pap was less than a year ago, so that requirement is filled as well. These steps all felt like major roadblocks last time, but now that I'm familiar with them, and the RE's office informed me of them all at once instead of peppering me with them one at a time just as I thought I'd finished jumping through all the hoops... Let's just say that I feel calm and prepared this time.

In other news, we celebrated Charlotte's first birthday with our closest family and friends last Sunday. I rented an indoor soccer field and bought 75 beach balls, which turned out to be all that 24 kids needed to have a good time for an hour. Then we had cake, and that was it. Party over. I baked all week and stressed about whether or not there's be enough cake for everyone, but we ended up begging people to take some home. Here are some highlights...

Charlotte seemed to enjoy wearing the tutu I made for her. Here she is, crawling around the soccer field after the big kids.

Charlotte decided that she really likes cake.

One of the big cakes. We had a ladybug theme (my MIL had a thing for ladybugs). I made three big cakes, plus one small one for Charlotte to tear into. I'm proud of how everything turned out, but have to admit it was very easy to do. If you want to know how, just ask. Same goes for the tutu- very easy, and with adorable results.

We're still struggling with sleep as Charlotte is content to fall asleep in my arms or lap, but insists it's the end of the world when I put her in the crib. It's not the crib that she hates, though, because she's perfectly happy to play in it for a while upon waking. She's not walking yet, but has come very close and can raise herself to standing without walls or toys or anything else to push up from. New words in the last week or so include SHARE, GRASS, ON, OFF, LEAF, TREE, DAY, and Grandpa (which I think she's been signing for months, but now it's exactly as demonstrated in the videos). She's trying to sound out words all the time, too, and has spoken "all done" more than once but isn't consistent with it yet. She signs "POTTY" when her diaper is poopy now, too. I'm so in awe and in love with this little person!

another cycle, another blog...

2011-04-05T21:58:00.004-04:00

I kind of goofed, and I hope anyone landing here from CycleSista can forgive me. I did not mean to link to this blog, which has become more of a parenting/watching my daughter grow page than an IF story. I started a new blog to chronicle the nuts and bolts of our efforts to turn Charlotte into a big sister. The commentary for that may end up here, or it may land on the new blog. I just don't know where would be more appropriate. I have made some "friends (if I may call you that, dear people who have been following and commenting for a while now)," and don't want to leave them in the dark about what's going on. At the same time, I don't want newcomers having to read parenting stories while facing their own IF struggles. I guess that I will, while cycling, include a link to the new blog at the beginning of each post here. Visitors who don't want to read about my life as a mom can skip to the other page without having to read any further than the first sentence. Still here?

current vocabulary

2011-04-04T00:06:00.006-04:00

I need to make a list to document this, since I haven't written it down anywhere else. Charlotte's current signing vocabulary includes: DOG CAT BIRD FISH BEAR EAT DRINK APPLE MILK BANANA CRACKER MORE ALL-DONE PLEASE THANK-YOU HOT COLD UP DOWN MOMMY DADDY HAPPY SAD SLEEP OWIE/HURT TRAIN CAR BUS BOAT RAIN SNOW WIND CLOUD YES (nods her head, not the ASL sign) NO (shakes her head, not ASL) BOOK WASH-HANDS BRUSH TEETH SHOES SOCKS POTTY FRIEND She may not fully understand some of them, like friend, but some she uses all by herself to tell us something. For example, today we were in a store. She had her jacket on, and the store was pretty warm. Charlotte started signing "HOT," all by herself, not in answer to a question. I was amazed. And at dinner tonight, I offered her more soup and she responded with "sssssooooo (her way of saying soup)" and the sign for happy. Soup makes her happy, I guess. Blogger keeps removing all my formatting. Sorry about the lengthy run-on list.

another blog... Project Sibling

2011-04-03T23:50:00.003-04:00

I've created another blog to track the progress on Project Sibling. There will be spillover and overlap, I'm sure. Oddly enough, when I looked on CycleSista, I found several other bloggers just beginning a first IVF cycle for baby #2. I feel like part of a generation, as opposed to a solo oddball. Anyhow, I suspect the new blog will be just for stats and numbers and dosages and such. Right now, I'm waiting for AF so we can launch into the cycle for real. I still expect it in about a week, but I think clomid added a couple of days to my cycle back when I took it before, so AF may be slightly delayed for that reason. We'll see. I'm a lot more laid back, relaxed, and calm about this cycle... for now. I attribute that more to experience than to already having a baby in my life. I know what to expect, for the most part, and should not be blindsided by anything this time around.

ONE

2011-03-24T21:34:00.005-04:00

It's official. Our baby is a whole year old (plus two days already). We made the 12-month visit to her ped today. 17 pounds 10 ounces and 28.5 inches tall. I asked the ped which growth charts he uses and learned that his are not specific to breastfed babies, so of course his percentiles don't match up with what I find on the W.H.O web site. Regardless of her percentiles (which I didn't even bother to remember), he agreed that she looks healthy and is hitting all the usual milestones on time. He almost-sort-of apologized for suggesting supplementing at our last visit.

Charlotte has 7 teeth now, and seems to be working on some more. Drooling kicked up another notch yesterday, and her fingers are spending a lot of time in her mouth again.

Charlotte had a very long and trying day today, which turned out to be a temporary solution to the sleep/cry problem. I woke her up 45 minutes early this morning so I could drop her off at her old daycare while I visited the RE. The daycare has openings a couple of days each week and accepts drop-ins at an hourly rate. Since she's been having issues with naps, I told the teacher not to bother putting Charlotte down for one. Instead, I picked her up an hour after her usual nap time and drove around for 75 minutes so she could sleep in the car until her ped appointment. She had two vaccinations/immunizations today, and took them really well. She yelled at each needle stick, but calmed quickly afterwards and was smiley-happy again by the time I'd put her pants back on. Shots always wear Charlotte out. Even after a decent nap this afternoon, she was exhausted by 5:30 and asleep in my lap by 6:15. I sat and rocked her awhile to make sure she was deeply asleep, then moved her into her crib without disturbing her at all. No tears tonight. Hurray for all of us!

Charlotte still drinks 20-24 ounces of breastmilk (frozen/thawed) daily, and I think there's enough in the freezer to last about two more weeks. Her daily eat/sleep routine is generally something like this...

6:30 am- 8oz breastmilk upon waking;
8-9:30- nap;
9:30- 7-grain cereal with mashed banana and tahini, about 2/3 cup, washed down with 4oz breastmilk;
12:30- bread, cheese, fruit, and vegetables (she loves peas now that they're not mush)- usually all as finger-foods so she can feed herself- with 2oz breastmilk;
1:30-3- nap
3:30- snack of yogurt with fruit and wheat germ mixed in, plus 2oz breastmilk;
5:30- soup and a cracker or two, with 8oz breastmilk of which she usually drinks 3-4oz;
6:45- the rest of the breastmilk that she started with dinner.
7:00- bed.

All-told, I dump 2-4oz of breastmilk every day just because she doesn't always finish all that I prepare for her. I learned, though, that she completely loses interest in milk when forced to wait for a refill. She drinks more, and wastes less, when I offer a little more than I think she'll drink. She drinks all her milk from a sippy, and water from a toddler cup with a straw. We practive using a "big girl cup" every day, and she does well getting water into her mouth. Then, she seems to decide she's not thirsty after all and opens her mouth so the water streams out. Some days, she has a huge appetite and eats more than I thought she could hold. Other days, she's not so interested in food and pushes everything away after a couple of bites. It helps that she can sign "all done," and knows what it means so she can tell us when she's finished versus when she just wants something besides what's in front of her. She is not afraid to try any food I put in front of her, and only eggs have met with a consistently negative reaction.

As far as talking goes, she knows and uses about 25 signs, and has begun imitating her video while watching it. She doesn't seem to learn new signs as quickly as they're presented, but she tries them out and it seems a new one or two stick every day. Yesterday, she learned "snow." Other recent additions are hot, cold, rain, up, and down. She loves to imitate sounds, especially ssssss and shhhhh when we say words like soup or fish. She tells our cats to get "dow" when they climb on the table.

Waterbabies continues to be great fun, although I liked the teacher in the first session a lot better. Music class is a blast- Charlotte is so confident that she crawls right up to the bigger kids and their parents and grunts or smiles to introduce herself. She spends as much time cruising around the room as singing and dancing with me. She has yet to demonstrate any stranger anxiety at all, although if I am in the room she demands to be the center of my attention.

Charlotte is still sooooo close to walking, but not doing it on her own yet. She moves faster and leans on my hands less every day when we walk together, but freezes up as soon as I let go. She can stand on her own for over a minute, bend down to pick something up off the floor then return to standing, and eat/drink/play while standing alone. I'm still hopeful that she'll be walking by her birthday party on 4/10.

Here are some pictures...
11-month caterpillar shot. She's no longer willing to lie beside the caterpillar, so this was the best I could wrangle.

The train was her birthday present, and she loves to run back and forth across her bedroom pushing it, but she doesn't know how to turn it around or steer. In this photo, she's standing alone and playing peek-a-boo with the train.
The weather finally turned spring-like, so Charlotte got to try out the swings and slides at a local park. She LOVED them! We'll be back there often, maybe daily, when the spring finally settles in for real.

no sleep without tears

2011-03-23T07:57:00.004-04:00

Once upon a time, Charlotte would lie down willingly in her crib when she was tired and go to sleep without any fanfare or fuss. Her signals were clear- when she was tired, she'd rub her eyes or yawn. She'd sleep well and (usually) long. We were very very lucky, and we knew it.

Charlotte's a big girl now. Since she was about 10 months old, she has not gone to bed willingly. Not once. It all started when she had a fever and was teething. She stopped sleeping through the night for about 6 weeks, waking with screams and cries that convinced us she needed help getting back to dreamland. We held her and cuddled, nursed a bit, but invariably she'd reach the point where she seemed as miserable in our arms as in her crib. We finally realized she'd fall asleep faster in the crib, and would stay asleep if we didn't have to relocate her to the crib from our arms. So, when her second round of tears began, we'd place her gently in the crib and hastily exit the room. She would cry for a few minutes (sometimes very obviously FAKE tears, with dramatic pauses to listen for a response from us), then fall asleep. Sometimes, she'd go silent as soon as the door clicked shut (closed to keep the cats out of her room, a cat-free zone).

The last 4 weeks have taken nap and bedtime to a whole new level of drama. The crying and screaming have intensified, but she still falls silently asleep within about 3 minutes of the door closing. She knows when she's tired, but will not willingly lie down for nap or bedtime. The fact that she does calm herself and fall fairly quickly asleep has kept me sane, but I wish I knew how to help her enjoy going to sleep again. We have a routine that we always follow- read a few stories, sing a couple of songs, then wave goodnight to the mobile, the trees outside her window, the clock, the sun or moon. Some more cuddles and kisses, and then she starts her tantrum as soon as we approach the crib. We tried letting her stay awake longer, hoping that being more tired would eventually lead her to ask for bed. Overtired just made it worse.

My question for you- is this a phase? Did your child do anything similar? Is there a way to skip the drama and go straight to the sleeping peacefully part? My husband only witnesses this once each day, when we put Charlotte down for the night (she's back to sleeping from 7pm to 6:30 am, thankfully), so he doesn't think it's a problem. I witness this three times each day, and it's breaking my heart to see her so miserable. Three minutes feels like forever when my baby is wailing.

unexpected warm welcome

2011-03-10T16:23:00.004-05:00

A few of you dear readers have been following along since before Charlotte was conceived. Some of you may have jumped in further along our journey, but read back to our early days of TTC. If you fall into either of those camps, you may recall the less-than-rosy picture I painted of the RE's office staff. Honestly, I never felt welcomed there and it always seemed that they didn't care one way or another about the results of our efforts.

Imagine my surprise, then, upon being greeted warmly by pretty much everyone in the office today! They all wanted to see pictures of Charlotte, but all I had was my "dumb" cell phone with one blurry and too-small photo as background. I never sent them a birth announcement, a Christmas card, or any pictures because it never occurred to me that they'd care. It started with the woman sitting at the front desk, the wonderful lady who coordinates all the insurance details who was the first to suggest I buy individual health insurance that would cover IVF. She remembered me! Then, the RE was all smiles and happiness- asking about Charlotte and how I was enjoying being a parent, commenting on my weight loss (and off-handedly dismissing any concerns I expressed about potentially diminished fertility as a result of waiting until Charlotte was a year old before starting anything- THANK YOU!).

The nurse who explained the next few steps to me claimed to remember me, congratulated me on Charlotte's existence, and coo'd over the cell-phone photo. The phlebotomist said she thought Charlotte could only be 4 or 5 months old by now, not almost a year already. Nothing but good vibes there today. What a welcome relief! I was expecting them not to remember me at all, or to recall only the negative interactions we'd had.

Then we got down to business..

First off, my body (I LOVE my body right now...) is cooperating perfectly. AF began yesterday. The RE wants me to complete the Clomid Challenge (to check ovarian reserve), so they were able to draw CD3 blood today, on CD2. I'll take clomid on CD5-9, then go back for another blood draw on CD10. Also on CD10, an office hysteroscopy to take a look at my uterus. Assuming all that goes well, we'll follow the same protocol as last time with lupron starting on CD22 of the next cycle (this one will be tainted by clomid). I need to schedule a mammogram before lupron starts because they won't cycle without mammography results that are less than 2 years old. My last mammo was in January 2009, when we first started working with the RE.

Since I like to have at least a basic idea of what will happen when, I made the calculations. I'm guessing that my body will return to old rhythms. So, the next CD1 will be around 4/8. Lupron would begin 4/29. Another CD1 on roughly 5/8. ER was on CD12 last time, which would put it on about 5/19, with ET on 5/22. This is for you, Charlotte!

how we're learning to sign

2011-03-08T08:55:00.002-05:00

I've not received any compensation from these folks, but I highly recommend their videos. There are CDs and flash cards available too, but I haven't tried those yet. The songs are very catchy and easy to sing along. Each sign is demonstrated by an adult as well as by several children, then reinforced with both animated and real-life images. In addition to developing a vocabulary, Charlotte seems to understand that her motions can communicate. I often see her moving her hands in ways that look very intentional but don't resemble any of the signs we've learned. She may be making up her own. I love being able to converse with her!

oh yeah, the stats

2011-03-07T22:11:00.002-05:00

I forgot to mention Charlotte's stats for the 11 month update, so here they are...
She wears some 9-month, but mostly 12-month clothing.
I estimate that she weighs around 19 pounds, probably just under. At her 9-month ped appointment, the doc expressed concern over her weight because she dropped from the 25th to the 10th percentile or something like that. I looked it up, and I don't know what chart he's using because she was right on the 25% curve as far as I could tell (WHO growth chart). I took offense with his backhanded suggestion to supplement with formula ("I recommended that to another mother, and the baby improved (gained a lot of weight).") and canceled the follow-up weigh-in. She's learning something new every day, eats as much and as often as she wants, is a happy and active baby, and simply looks healthy. I know I'm not a professional, but I am not worried about her weight. Babies come in all shapes, y'know!
Food is a lot of fun... I read Super Baby Food (bits and pieces of it, during Charlotte's naps) for some ideas on what makes a balanced diet for a baby. We start each day with 6-8 ounces of breast milk (frozen/thawed... we stopped BFing on 2/15)- 8 ounces in the sippy, and she drinks as much as she wants but never quite finishes it off. Sometimes, that's all she wants but other times we then share a bowl of oatmeal, adult-style low-sugar organic all-natural stuff. After a morning nap, she gets about 1/3cup of 7-grain cereal (my version of "super porridge") that I run through the blender before cooking so it's a little smoother. She loves mashed banana and a tiny bit of tahini in it, and sometimes I have to refill her bowl (2-tablespoons at a time so as not to waste too much) again, and again, and again. She downs another 2-4 ounces of breast milk with that. Lunch is usually Greek yogurt mixed with fruit- mashed steamed apples are a favorite, as are the organic fruit squeezee pouches that I found at Tarjay. I'd guess she eats between 1/3 and 1/2 cup of that, sometimes more, plus another 2 ounces of milk. A light snack of cheese and whole-wheat crackers or some fruit fills in between lunch and dinner, but sometimes she's not interested in it. Then she LOVES homemade chicken and rice soup, pureed, for dinner. On some days, she'll eat more then a cup of it in addition to 2-4 ounces of milk. Finally, she downs another 6-8 ounces of milk before brushing her teeth and going to bed. All-told, I offer her 24 ounces of milk every day, and she usually drinks around 20. I would feel badly about the wasted milk, but there's still enough to get her past her birthday (and her 1-year ped appointment), so I'd rather offer more than she wants than leave her wanting more.

She hates eggs- they make her retch. Otherwise, she seems happy to try new tastes and textures. She gets a quizzical look on her face when tasting something new, but usually reaches out for more. Aside from the squeezee fruit things, and puffs, I don't buy baby food. We tried a few and she didn't like anything but the fruits. She has a straw cup filled with water available to her between meals. I offered watered-down juice a few times, and she didn't seem impressed with it. Since we don't drink much juice in our house (I'm a water girl), I don't push it on her.

Did I skip any pertinent 11-month details?

By the way, she signed"Mom," "Dad," "cat," and "bird" for the first time today. She was learning a new sign every few days, but that's four in one day! Luckily, the next two videos in the series should arrive in tomorrow's mail so we can continue this vocabulary explosion.

11 months- what was she doing two weeks ago?

2011-03-05T07:54:00.002-05:00

She's picked up the pace. New talents emerge daily now, and she seems to bask in the glory of our recognizing each new word or ability. She likes to "jump" off the edge of the pool at our waterbabies class and go completely underwater (very briefly) before landing in my arms. She says "eye" and pokes at everyone's eyes- dolls, stuffed animals, any person within arm's reach. She knows where everyone's nose, ears, and mouth are except her own. She took two unassisted steps, once, but doesn't seem at all interested in independent walking. She "walks" up an entire flight of stairs holding my hands, but crawls up just 3 steps before giving up (and since I won't let her do this without my hovering over her, she then reaches for my hands so she can "walk" the rest of the way). She's primarily a hands-and-knees crawler now, resorting to the commando pose only when she wants speed on a slick floor. She loves to play peek-a-boo, using either her hands or feet to block her eyes. Her signing includes eat, drink, more, milk, all done, wash hands, brush teeth, dog, grandpa, apple, banana, hat, boat, car, shoes, please, thank you, sleep, yes, no, up, potty (although she doesn't know its meaning yet), and train. She's making associations now- saw a photo of a baby in a bubbly bathtub and signed "wash hands." She saw a truck and signed "car." When someone yawns, she signs "sleep." We don't know the sign for hair brush yet, but when she saw a picture of one she pantomimed brushing her hair. She babbles "Dada dadadada dadada" when she sees a phone (loves to "talk" to her Daddy on the phone). She has 6 teeth and made her first visit to a dentist, where she was an absolute DREAM! The dentist commented that she was the calmest, most cooperative not-quite-one-year-old he'd ever met. She imitates my hand motions for Pat-a-Cake and Itsy Bitsy Spider. She makes a "shhhh" sound when she sees shoes or fish. She says (with spoken words) "hat," "hot," "dada," "momom," "Mba (Simba, the cat)," "Eye-eee (Reilly, the other cat)," "Mpa (Grampa)," and "hi." She has begun putting things IN, whereas up until a few weeks ago she would only take things out. She's not up to sorting shapes yet, but has figured out how to align a plastic coin with the slot in her toy piggy bank.

Best of all, perhaps, is the fact that she has resumed sleeping through the night.

She's just waking from her morning nap (I think today may be a 3-nap day), so I need to end here. In every way, Charlotte amazes me. Thank you, universe, for forcing me to be home with her at this time in her life!

the three Ls

2011-02-26T12:28:00.004-05:00

Lopsided, lumpy, and leaking.

Weaning has gone very well. Charlotte really doesn't seem to have noticed that her milk now comes from sippy cups. We stopped using bottles after I realized that letting an almost-toddler hold her own glass bottle wasn't my most brilliant idea. She was only using a bottle twice each day, first-thing in the morning and at bedtime, and never indicated a preference for them. I'm not a big fan of the sippies we have, though, which resemble bottles more than cups, so I am still looking for something better to bridge the gap between bottle and big-girl cup. With a finite supply of breast milk available, I'm not willing to deal with the spills from a big girl cup or the not-even-close-to-emptying of her straw cup. We have some hard spouted sippies, but she didn't like them when first introduced. We'll try them again.

Production-wise, my breasts seem to have received the message loud and clear. No engorgement here. Although there are some hard, lumpy areas that are quite tender. My left, the better performer during the latter half of our breastfeeding days, is noticeably larger and lumpier than my right. Leftie is also leaking just a bit, especially when I lean forward or carry Charlotte on my left side. That's funny, since there was no leaking at all until now.

I have reason to suspect that I ovulated yesterday. If true, and my body resumes its pre-baby schedule, I should see AF some time around 3/12. I have an appointment with my RE on 3/10. My hope is that she'll let me launch right into active TTC... lupron would begin on CD22, roughly 4/3. AF would re-appear about 4/11. An ER on CD12 like last time would put our ET on 4/26. I could potentially be certifiably pregnant by Mothers Day. But I know better than to make any plans. For now it's enough to know that our donor is still available so Charlotte will have a full sibling if this works.

In other news, I have a job interview. They're hard to come by, and this one was kind of a surprise. A position opened up in the same office that laid me off 3 months ago. I tossed my resume into the ring, without a cover letter and with a salary requirement 25% above my previous pay. These people are heartless (who else would lay people off, without warning, in between Thanksgiving and Christmas?), so I know it isn't a sympathy-interview. And they don't waste their precious time interviewing people they're not seriously interested in. I've loved staying home with Charlotte, but if offered the position at the salary that I requested, I'll take it. The added income would help us pay for the insurance that will cover Project Sibling, and I can send Charlotte to any daycare that has an opening (we could afford the pricey ones!). She LOVES going to the daycare at our gym, and now that we're not BFing she doesn't care who feeds her. I'd miss her terribly, but this would boost my career and cover the cost of Project Sibling. Then, I could afford to be a SAHM intentionally after #2 arrives.

Eleven-month post coming soon. It deserves its own space.

the in between *updated

2011-02-22T17:18:00.003-05:00

Charlotte is "napping" now, at 5:15 pm. This is unusual for her, but she was sooo sleepy that she couldn't stop rubbing her eyes and yawning so I put her in her crib. Now, she's standing up, sitting down, standing up, babbling, tossing her caterpillar out of the crib, rearranging the blankets, lying down as though to test the position, then standing up and babbling again. If she does fall asleep, she's not likely to wake up until the wee hours of the morning. It's too early to go to bed for the night, but too late for a nap and she hasn't had dinner or her bedtime bottle yet.

What do you do with this in between time when your little one is exhausted?

* UPDATE:
I let her sleep for nearly two hours. Then, I woke her up, changed her into jammies and gave her 4oz of expressed breast milk- all while the dimmest light in the room was on. She dozed off in my lap while we cuddled and went back to bed without any protest. And, best of all, she slept through the night. I think she might be returning to her "dream child" self. As of 2/24, she has slept through the night three nights in a row. She still wakes 2 or 3 times at night and fusses (to an untrained ear, it sounds like crying), but then eases herself back to sleep. I suspect her recent daytime sleepiness is the result of her interrupted nights, and I hope her cold clears up soon so she can return to normal.

one day down; a lifetime to go

2011-02-16T22:02:00.003-05:00

We made it. I have not nursed my daughter since Tuesday's breakfast. I did have to pump this evening. I was uncomfortably full, but managed to control myself and pumped only enough to be comfortable again... about 3 ounces. Charlotte didn't appear to notice anything unusual- wasn't any more clingy or fussy than normal. She is coming down with a cold though, generously shared by a toddler who coughed and sneezed all through yesterday's music class. I think this is the first cold since leaving daycare nearly 2 months ago, so I'm not complaining... yet. As long as it's just a somewhat stuffy nose that allows Charlotte to eat, breathe, and sleep normally, a cold isn't so bad. I just hope she's healthy enough to enjoy waterbabies on Saturday. My girl LOVES the water. And I hope this cold doesn't sidetrack our weaning efforts.

the big W, day one

2011-02-15T06:35:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was supposed to be my final day of breastfeeding. Over the last month or so, Charlotte has demonstrated less and less interest in my breasts and we were down to one serious nursing session per day, usually first-thing in the morning. She'd sign "milk" several other times a day, but then nurse for just a minute or two (literally) before squirming out of my lap to play or chase the cats. She's been taking breast milk (I may refer to it as simply milk... at her age, the only milk she gets is breast milk) from a sippy cup for a couple of months and hasn't indicated a preference for bottle, breast or sippy so I thought we were ready for the final step. She woke up at 10:30 last night, signed "milk," and nursed for what I believed was the last time.

Then, this morning, I sabotaged my efforts and put only 4oz in her morning bottle. What was I thinking? After she polished it off, she looked at me with a sad face, pulled on my shirt, signed "milk," and buried her face in my chest. She was otherwise still very sleepy, so I nursed rather than prepare another bottle. Her restlessness disappeared. The sad face turned into a contented one. And she went back to bed for a little more sleep before truly beginning the day.

We've already mastered day-time weaning. Wide awake, Charlotte is too busy playing and exploring to linger at the breast for a full feeding. Milk in a sippy along with her solid meals is all she wants, and sometimes she'd rather have water (she tells me this by shoving the milk-sippy off her tray then emphatically signing "drink").

I visited the breast-feeding support group for (probably) the last time yesterday and asked the host-nurse how much milk Charlotte should consume in a day. I can't say for sure how much she's been getting, since there's no gauge on my nipples, but I would estimate about 16-20oz (8oz nursed in the morning, 2oz with each of 2 solid meals, then maybe 4oz nursed before bed), plus a brief middle-o'the-night feeding that popped into her routine about 5 weeks ago. The nurse suggested aiming for 18-24oz per day. I've been feeding Charlotte solids and putting the milk-sippy on her tray to take whenever she feels like it, but I will start offering milk first to encourage her to drnk more. Especially at dinner time, I am hoping this will get her to take more milk and maybe resume sleeping through the night. Up until a nasty fever (quick-moving virus that got her up to 104* and disappeared within 72 hours) plus teething made for one miserable weekend, Charlotte had been sleeping 10-12 hours each night, straight-through without interruption, since she was 5 months old. I'm still waiting for her to return to that routine.

In other news, Charlotte took her first step! It was only one, and it hasn't been repeated, but she did it! She's also picked up some new signs AND spoken words. We joined a gym that includes babysitting in their membership, and Charlotte absolutely loves playing with their toys and the other children. Yesterday, she spied a purple soccer ball on a shelf and kept pointing to it, saying, "BA!" while I was trying to feed her a snack. She shakes her head "no," and nods "yes." She signs "hat" and "sleep," among other things.

Tomorrow morning's bottle is ready to be heated. Eight ounces this time, from last June's vintage. And a middle-of-the-night 4oz emergency bottle is waiting too, just in case she needs it. She's working on some more teeth (I can see something on her upper left gum, she's been drooling like a leaky faucet, and her fingers are in her mouth so much they're pruned), which may be to blame for her recent sleep interruptions. We'll see how Day One, take 2, goes tomorrow.

an ending and a beginning

2011-01-26T20:59:00.004-05:00

We buried C's father today. He was "under the weather" for about a month and passed away peacefully on Saturday. C and his brothers all had the chance for a last conversation with their dad, and there was mercifully no lingering suffering to endure. The official diagnosis won't be in until Friday, but his doctors suspect ALS. The family marvels at the irony... a Red Sox fan, stricken by a disease made famous by a Yankee. That's one thing I love about this family I married into- in the darkest moments, they look for something to laugh about. And this week, when they couldn't find something to joke about, they had Charlotte to bring a smile to their faces. I'm grateful to have been able to share our daughter with them and ease some of the pain, and Charlotte obliged by entertaining like a pro- panting and signing "dog" upon request, happily sitting in just about anyone's arms (as long as I was in sight), waving "hello" and "good-bye" as well-wishers came and went, and gleefully running in circles holding onto anyone's hands who was willing to bend down to help her walk. She brought out a lot of smiles at the post-funeral gathering, and C and his brothers all agreed that her presence has been a true blessing this week.

It's got me thinking about my own mortality, and C's. Our resolve to create a sibling for Charlotte has been strengthened, as C experienced first-hand the unique support a sibling can provide when a parent is lost. Even though C has the most amazing friends I've ever met, C relied mostly on his brothers this week. And I know that when the time comes, my own siblings will be my primary source of comfort. I want Charlotte to have that. It turned out that our 2010 insurance covers us through the end of February, so Project Sibling will officially launch on 3/1. Tomorrow, I am finalizing our insurance selection and calling the RE.

It's a bit cliche, but please tell the folks you love that you love them. Don't wait for the next time it's convenient. Take those pictures of yourself and those dearest to you, even if there's no big event or dramatic landscape in the background. We have no photos of Charlotte with C's dad. No evidence to show her that she and he were alive at the same time. I'm generally not one for regrets, but I regret that immensely.

where did the time go?

2011-01-22T22:47:00.005-05:00

No time for a wordy post tonight, but I had promised some pictures and failed to deliver them before Charlotte turned 10 months (today). I'll post some words in a day or two, or next week... this week promises to be a busy one. In brief, Charlotte continues to be a complete joy (even when she screams at 2am). She has 4 teeth and a rapidly expanding vocabulary, both spoken and signed. She is the light in our world during some trying times we've faced lately.

Signing "cracker," her favorite food. I think she'd live on them if I let her.

At 9 1/2 months, she's unquestionably taller than the caterpillar. And I am getting worse at catching these photos on time.

Teeth! The first one erupted on 12/1, and the second on 12/13. As of 1/22, she now has a matching pair on top.

She absolutely loves to watch her B@by Signing Time videos. Her signed vocabulary now includes eat, drink, more, cracker, milk, baby, dog, all done, wash hands, and brush teeth. She says Dadad and Momom at appropriate times for us to believe she knows what she's saying, but also babbles those syllables frequently, so we're not entirely sure. She does say "Mba" to refer to our cat, Simba, and she sometimes says "daw" while signing "dog."

At 9 months, just a hair taller than her caterpillar.

ch-ch-changes

2010-12-26T09:00:00.003-05:00

Whenever it's time to change Charlotte's diaper, I sing "Ch-ch-ch-changes!" to her. I'm no match for David Bowie, and I sing only a couple of bars of the song, but I figure that she can understand "ch-ch-ch" more easily than "It's time to change your diaper." And, soon enough, she'll be able to imitate the "ch-ch-ch" to tell me she'd like a change.

But that's not what I'm talking about. Other changes have suddenly occurred. Charlotte began feasting on 2 solid meals each day once she was finished with daycare (just a week ago). I was a little embarassed to be packing two solid meals for her since I wasn't sure what to feed her. It was easier to just toss a bottle into the cooler than try to dream up/whip up a second solid meal. Now that we're together all day, though, we've become quite adventurous on the food front. Multi-grain R*tz crackers are almost as exciting as cheerios, and she's actually asked for a cracker (by signing) when none were even in sight. Yesterday, she had grilled cheese... thin-sliced home-made whole wheat bread sprinkled with shredded cheese, toasted, and cut into tiny bits. A big hit! This morning, C and I enjoyed eggs and home fries with onion and ham. Charlotte had already nursed, but looked so longingly at my plate that I just had to offer her a taste. Egg yolk went over well, but the potato in my home fries proved to be the highlight of her morning. I stayed away from the ham since she can't really gum that into oblivion, but she may have gotten a bit of onion. Again and again she signed "more," and tried to grab my plate. Yesterday, at Christmas dinner with my parents & siblings, she had squash and sweet potatoes served from the same bowl as all the big people and discovered that celery is a fun thing to gnaw on. I'm ready now to feed her essentially anything C and I eat- cut into tiny bites, and avoiding anything that can't be gummed instead of chewed, of course. (We tend to leave salt and sugar out of our home-cooked foods, regardless of whether or not Charlotte will partake)

That's not entirely the change I'm thinking of today, either. Nope. The latest big development (aside from adult-style poop in her diapers, which began when she was consistently enjoying a daily solid meal) is that Charlotte has suddenly dropped one meal each day. My plan was to nurse every other meal with her during this 2-solids/day phase. Her morning nap has shifted later. The break between meals has gotten longer, too, so she's gone four days in a row now with just four meals each day. I've quite abruptly gone from nursing 4 times every day to just two- first thing in the morning, and right before bed. I'm fighting the urge to make up the difference by pumping. We'll see how long it takes for AF to come back under these new circumstances. It's been a terrific break, these 18+ months without AF, but I do look forward to her return... and eventual departure once again (I hope).

A post about Charlotte's first Christmas is coming soon...

in/out, 9 months, three weeks

2010-12-21T11:44:00.003-05:00

I thought at this point I'd marvel at the symmetry of Charlotte's existince. Nine months on the inside followed by nine months out, punctuated in the middle with a miraculous dream-delivery. But I almost never think about my pregnancy now. Time with Charlotte is so precious and fun and memorable (even changing poopy diapers is memorable) that I spend all of my thoughts in the here-and-now or looking forward... to her first steps and clear words and friends and interests and songs and favorites. I haven't even calculated how many days she existed before birth, nor how many days she's been in my arms. I hardly remember life without her. Life has never been better.

Tomorrow, Charlotte will become nine months old. True-to-form, she developed a new talent yesterday and began clapping with two open palms. Previously, one hand was always closed in a fist and her clapping was essentially silent, but now she can make noise by slapping her palms together. She's delighted. Noise is fun. Banging things together is fun. Banging hands together to make noise is GREAT- even when she has nothing to play with, her hands are available to slap together.

On the food front, we graduated to one solid meal per day about 4 weeks ago at the suggestion of her daycare's owner. That went well, so we're beginning to transition to two solid meals each day now. Favorite foods include plain yogurt, prunes, Cheerios, bread, sweet potatoes, squash, bananas, cheese, and crackers. Peas still result in gagging and a full-body shudder, but she doesn't seem to mind anything else we've tried. I can tell the difference between tolerance and enthusiasm by whether or not she grabs the spoon- if she really likes something, she leaves the spoon alone so I can quickly shovel more into her open mouth. If she doesn't mind a food, but isn't crazy about it, she grabs the spoon and tries to feed herself. She drinks a couple of ounces of breast milk from a sippy cup with each meal.

Charlotte still eats 5 times each day, except for when she's super tired and goes to bed before her last meal. That happens about once each week, and sometimes she's down for the night before 5:00pm. Her norm is 6:45, though, and regardless of when she went to bed she wakes up around 6 each morning. She naps 2 or 3 times each day, depending on how much sleep she got the night before and how long each nap is. Naps are always in increments of 45 minutes, usually 90 minutes in the morning and another 90 after lunch, but she sometimes splits one or the other into two 45-minute cat-naps. In her final week of daycare, she finally settled in enough to take a nap comparable to what she'd take at home. That's one of a few reasons I'm thrilled to have her out of daycare- I don't want her sleep interrupted by other screaming babies. A well-rested Charlotte is a happy Charlotte.

Charlotte has two teeth now. The bottom left popped through on 12/1 and the bottom right on 12/13. She's working on more and chews on anything she can get her mouth around. My sleeves are a popular target, as are her toes.

Daycare ended last week. We had to give two full weeks' notice, and since we paid for those last few days, I was certainly going to use them. I would have given two weeks' notice if I'd decided to quit my job. It's too bad that courtesy didn't extend in the other direction. I can understand lay-offs, but I'm annoyed/bitter/pissed about the lack of notice. Is the company so arrogant that they thought I'd try to sabotage them somehow if I knew I was being let go? Anyhow, I've been out of work for three weeks. This is the first week that Charlotte and I are together full time.

Yesterday, we visited the breastfeeding support group that we frequented back in April. Because of a snowstorm, we were the only attendees so I got to talk privately with the nurse who runs the group. I asked her about weaning without ever having to use formula or compromise Charlotte's health, and she was very encouraging. We're aiming for 3 solid meals each day by the third week of January, with breastfeeding continuing until then as needed. By the beginning of February, if all is going well, I'll stop offering the breast but will nurse if Charlotte specifically asks for it (pulls up my shirt or tries to nurse through my shirt, for example). I curently have 280 four-ounce bags of frozen milk in the deep-freeze, and will continue my early-morning pumping for another 10 days (the end of the year). Charlotte has had defrosted milk by bottle before without any problems, even from me on a few occasions, so I expect that nursing will end completely by the end of February. Between now and then, I hope that AF will return so we can launch Project Sibling before my 43rd birthday at the end of March.

All plans are subject to change (I wrote that on my birth plan, too) in the interest of Charlotte's health and well-being.

More about Charlotte...
She's still army crawling, but gets up on her knees to do it now, instead of dragging her legs along behind her. She often rises to her hands and knees, but only while stationary. She has no trouble pulling herself up to her knees and then to her feet using my outstretched legs for balance, but hasn't pulled herself up on anything else yet.

We lowered the crib matress to the bottom position when I saw Charlotte reaching up to the top of the rail as if about to pull herself up. She hasn't figured out yet that the vertical slats make good handles too.

Charlotte loves to walk with someone holding her hands. She tries to let go with one hand, though, and then falls over (not really a "fall," we lower her to the floor gently with the remaining hand). She will stand unassisted beside the couch or her exersaucer, and has taken a couple of steps while holding on before losing her balance. Cruising is coming soon, I'm sure.

She loves to sing. We practice our duets daily until the perfection of the moment steals my breath and makes me teary and choked up.

She's the most amazing sleeper I've ever heard of. She makes it abundantly clear when she's tired- rubbing her eyes, laying her head on my shoulder or the floor, spinning around in my lap instead of sitting attentively to read a story. As long as we put her in her crib before tired becomes overtired, she simply smiles and babbles until we leave the room, then settles down to sleep. Sometimes, it takes her 20 or 30 minutes to actually fall asleep, but she happily scoots around the crib until she's ready to close her eyes.

When she's overtired, she wants to be held and rocked and sung to for about 10 minutes. Then, she tries to climb out of my arms and into her crib, signalling that she's ready to fall asleep now. Only rarely does she ask to be held until asleep, so we know something else is going on when that happens- a new tooth breaking through, gas pains, or something like that.

Size-wise, I don't really know how much Charlotte weighs or how tall she's become. Her 9-mo ped appointment is in 2 weeks, so I'll find out then where she lands on the growth chart. I'm not at all concerned. She's wearing 9- and 12-month clothes now that the 6-mo size has become a little short in the torso and snug in the shoulders. I'd guess she weighs about 17 pounds, and she's taller than her caterpillar now (I'll post some photos later).

We're now well into the second 45-minute interval of her afternoon nap, so I believe I have another 35 minutes or more before she wakes. That's my cue to take a shower and go shovel out the car. I'll post some photos before she turns 10 months old. Promise!

steam

2010-12-03T23:03:00.002-05:00

I can't decide if it matters or not, but I feel the need to vent just to set my thoughts straight. Maybe I'll feel less stressed if I see it in writing.

We have health insurance as a family through C's 2009 employer. Having worked X-number of hours in 2009, he earned coverage for 2010 without any premiums to be paid. As a result, we did not take advantage of the insurance offered by my employer, which did involve monthly premiums. COBRA availability is based on an employee's selections that are in effect at the time of termination, and C works for the business we started this year so he did not log any union hours that would have earned us coverage in 2011. So, in addition to losing my paycheck, we are now slapped with the cost of health insurance for the three of us. I'm not even sure that COBRA would have been any less expensive than buying coverage privately, but I'm miffed that they did this just as we were about to depend on my job for health insurance. That was one of the biggest reasons why I returned to work at all after Charlotte was born... so that we would have employer-sponsored health insurance in 2011.

My calculations...
Unemployment pays out roughly half what my salary was (it is half, but I think there's an additional allowance for dependents). Since there will be no contributions to my 401K or FSA, take-home will be a little more than half even after taxes are taken out.
My salary paid our mortgage. That's it. That's all my salary covered. Low salary? Too-big mortgage? Maybe both.
Health insurance for our family will cost about half as much as our monthly mortgage payment. So, unemployment will cover our new monthly insurance premium and C's paycheck will have to cover the mortgage and all our other living expenses.
I decide how much C gets paid, since I own the business. Luckily, we have no investors to appease. It would have been nice to run a profitable business, but I'm glad C isn't in his old union job because if he were, we'd both be laid off right now. I guess the business will earn just enough to cover expenses and the rest will be our income.

Nope... I don't feel any better. I'm very worried about our finances, but I'm also relieved that our insurance decision has been made (for us). We'll be buying insurance privately for the whole family, and since we're buying it in MA all MA mandates will apply. IVF will be covered. It won't be a luxury purchased just so we can launch Project Sibling. Some of my guilt over considering buying redundant insurance has lifted now that the redundancy has been eliminated. And since my mother was laid off too (we worked in the same office), I have a willing babysitter for those daily monitoring appointments.

Damn... even unemployed, I'm still finding a silve lining everywhere I look.

8 months. Time on my hands? Sharp!

2010-12-01T09:59:00.003-05:00

Big happenings around these parts lately.

First, Charlotte turned 8 months old 9 days ago. I did snap some photos of her with her caterpillar, but haven't had the chance to retrieve them from the camera yet. I'll have plenty of time now, though. Explanation to follow. In her 8th month, Charlotte remained convinced that she can walk. The fact that someone needs to provide balance for her is inconsequential. She has the strength and knows how she should move her feet, so it is the job of anyone within arm's reach to help her remain upright while she struts about. When not walking, she's slithering around in an army crawl toward the nearest thing she'd like to climb, or chasing after the cats. She's remarkably quick, especially on our slick new hardwood floor, so I don't dare even run to the kitchen 20 feet away when she's playing on the floor.

Charlotte has always loved bath time. Now, she has discovered SPLASHING! She does it with such enthusiasm that I feel compelled to capitalize. In spite of my ancient-before-their-time knees, it's time to move her tub off the kitchen counter and into the big bathtub. We tried that, once, a couple of months ago when she still needed a little support sitting up in the slippery plastic. Now, though, she's steady as can be and loves to play with the water. She doesn't even flinch when her biggest splashes go right into her face, and the only reason she willingly exits the tub is because the water cools off after 20 minutes or so.

Banging things together is the greatest fun ever! We picked up a set of 1-inch blocks (easy for little hands to hold, but C is afraid she might be able to fit one entirely into her mouth) about a month ago. Charlotte loves knocking two blocks together to make clicking noises. In the bath, she plays with plastic measuring cups and has a ball whacking those together, as well as slapping them into the water. In her exersaucer, she loves to smack the Earth with her bendy dragonfly and crash the monkeys into each other on their wire loop. When her hands are empty, she likes to clap them together although she doesn't do it hard enough to make any noise that way.

Solid food remained a game for Charlotte throughout her 8th month. The only thing she really seemed to dislike was peas. She gagged and gave me a full-body shudder when I snuck a spoon of peas into her mouth. We never made a "meal" out of solids and just introduced a few different foods to make sure there aren't any allergies to worry about. Cheerios, though, have become Charlotte's crack. If I want to relax and enjoy a cup of coffee, I sit Charlotte in her chair and give her a handfull of Cheerios. If she's squirmy and fussy in the grocery store, a Cheerio from my pocket turns her into a charming, docile, smiley baby. Honestly, it's almost freaky how content she becomes with a Cheerio in her fist. C and I even went out to dinner with some family AT Charlotte's bedtime a few weeks ago. She was wonderful- sitting happily in anyone's lap as long as she had Cheerios on the table in front of her.

I have to rush now... baby sleeping, my mom on her way so we can go xmas shopping, and I need to pump. The other news includes...

TOOTH! Lower left, appeared today. It must be exhausting, revealing a tooth, because Charlotte went to bed at 4:50 last night and didn't wake up until 5:00 this morning.

Time- well, I can personally attest that the recession is NOT over and the economy is not improving in every corner of the country. I lost my job yesterday. We'll make do, and now I have the time to manage the business C and I started this year (which has been sorely neglected, bookwise). The big bonus is that I get to spend a lot more time with Charlotte. She'll stay in daycare for another 2 weeks (it's already paid for, so she'll go), but then she and I will be frequenting playgroups and library story hours. I was so annoyed that those things are always scheduled during "working" hours, but now we'll join right in.

So- photos to come soon. Happy December, everyone!

In the interest of moving things along...

2010-11-25T21:09:00.003-05:00

My normal routine for the last 3+ months, since Charlotte began sleeping through the night from 7pm to 6am has been to pump just before going to bed around 9:30 or 10. Then, I'd get up at 4:45 and pump again, shower, and be well into my day when she wakes up in the morning. I read somewhere (I've no idea where exactly, nor whether it was a "reliable" source or just someone commenting on something) that ovulation might recommence when more than 6 hours pass between feedings/pumping sessions. On the off-chance that my 7-ish hour break wasn't sufficient to turn my body's rhythms back on, I've decided to skip the before-bed pumping. I was only getting 3-4 ounces at night anyhow, and I think I have about 6-weeks' supply (based on her current appetite for five 8-ounce meals per day) in the freezer at this point.

I need to get away from the thought that I should be caching away as much as I possibly can. If I can somehow coax my body into ovulating without stopping breastfeeding, I'll be a lot more confident about initiating Project Sibling. I'm worried now about cutting off breastfeeding and then wasting a lot of time not ovulating; possibly wasting a lot of money on additional insurance to cover IVF well before my body is ready to try again. It's difficult to balance the certainty of caring for Charlotte against the gamble of trying to conceive again. What if we succeed and the pregnancy is complicated and I can't care for Charlotte the way I should? What if we fail and ruin ourselves financially to no end? What if we succeed and the resulting child isn't perfectly healthy and we neglect Charlotte to take care of him or her?

Maybe Charlotte would be better off as an only child. I know that C and I could be happy with just one daughter to dote on. Our lives would be simpler with just the one child. Family vacations would be cheaper. There'd be no sibling rivalries to referee. But C and I both grew up with siblings who have become the people we most trust and rely on as adults. C and I are "old." We'll be eligible to join AA*RP before Charlotte's even in high school. I want her to have at least one sibling who will share her grief when C and I pass; who will be her biggest fan in whatever pursuits she tackles in life. And, because of the donor situation, I want her to have someone nearby who's in the same situation as she is, dealing with the same identity issues that might arise when she comes to understand her genetic background. I want her to have a full sibling so she doesn't feel alone or strange or different (no more so than the typical teen angst). I don't think I'm selfish for wanting to have another child, but sometimes I wonder.

In any case, we'll see if lengthening the overnight break from milking has any impact. Our plans are constantly evolving. When Charlotte was born, I intended to breastfeed for six months. Now, I'd like breastmilk to be her main source of nutrition until her first birthday. A lot can happen in a few months. We'll see.

a question

2010-11-20T22:29:00.003-05:00

This is directed at women who breastfed. When did your period return after the birth of your baby? It's been 8 months here. She began sleeping through the night three months ago. I'm curious, and my internet research hasn't been helpful, offering a range between 10 weeks and 2+ years. I'm trying to plan 2011 (how quickly I lapse into pre-IF naivete), including weaning Charlotte and launching project sibling. I don't know if my period has to resume before I can start an IVF cycle or not, but it seems logical that it should. I think it's time to contact the RE to find out where my body needs to be before we can try again.

on the move!

2010-11-14T08:34:00.002-05:00

First, she learned to roll and pivot. Then, she learned to pivot and pull (she plays on a sheet on the floor, so when something is out of reach she can pull the sheet toward her until she can reach what she wants). On Friday, she put her butt-in-the-air sleeping pose to good use and learned to inchworm. Then, suddenly, on Saturday she started "army crawling." We can't take our eyes off her for one second now because she covers the width of the room in a millisecond (it seems) with all her combined skills.

I'd load a video, but Blogger seems to be having problems. Or maybe my connection is too slow. Anyhow, we're amazed. And C was unspeakably excited that she debuted her army crawl on his watch, while I was in the shower.

She still desperately wants to walk, and refuses to put anything but her feet on the floor if someone's nearby to provide balance. Once on the floor, she's always on the look-out for something or someone to climb but hasn't made it past her knees on her own.

Just in time for all this, the hardwood floor installation begins tomorrow.

as it should be

2010-11-08T11:10:00.002-05:00

meKate is, at last, in labor! She's the first (and, so far, only) IF blogger that I've met in person, and I want so much for her labor to be memorable for all the right reasons. Please send her your best wishes and warm thoughts for a speedy and easy delivery.

some notes so I won't forget

2010-11-06T21:38:00.002-04:00

Charlotte thinks she can walk and stand up. Correction- she knows she can't, but insists on doing so almost constantly, which means that whoever is with her must help her remain upright on her feet. We watched her signing video this afternoon, and she "stood" for nearly 45-minutes straight. Every time I tried to ease her onto her rear, she stiffened up and looked at me like I was depriving her of her rights. She's got the strength, but hasn't yet developed the balance to stand on her own.

She's starting to try to climb to get herself on her feet. Usually, it's my leg she's climbing when we're sitting on the floor playing. She can actually get up onto her feet, but with her torso across my lap instead of upright. I think it's time to lower the crib mattress another notch.

Kisses! Hugs! When she's sleepy, Charlotte settles her head on my shoulder and wraps her arm around my neck, playing with my hair with one hand and sucking on the fingers of the other. She gives big wet, open-mouth kisses on my jaw.

We finally put a battery in the bathroom scale (the old one died more than a year ago). C has begun a diet and wanted to know what he was starting from. I stepped on to see if the numbers matched the way my clothes have been fitting. Holy bananas, people, I weigh what I did as a junior in high school. Ice cream and Halloween candy have been a regular part of my diet, and I've indulged in fast-food and drive-thru "coffee" drinks alot more often than I care to admit. Yet somehow, I've lost 60 pounds since Charlotte was born. Now that C is on a prepared-foods diet, I won't be keeping ice cream in the freezer, and I get to eat more fish and vegetarian meals than when I'm cooking for both of us (he's a meat-and-potatoes man... doesn't like much of anything that's green). I wonder how small I can get before Charlotte weans and my metabolism returns to "normal."

I had a little knee tune-up last week. They call it "surgery," but anything that can be accomplished through two teeny incisions doesn't count as full-fledged SURGERY in my book. I'm still very gimpy, and just straightened my knee fully for the first time today, but that's not the notable bit. On Sunday, my calf felt crampy. It was still crampy all day Monday, so the ortho sent me for an u/s which discovered a clot. Yippee... the non-experts scared the cr@p out of me, and sent me to the ER, in a wheelchair because they claimed that walking (I was still on crutches) might dislodge the clot and send it to my lungs. The ortho told me I'd probably be put on blood thinners, for MONTHS, which would be toxic to an infant and that my breast-feeding days were over. I was crushed, and contemplated pumping and dumping while on whatever meds they prescribed... didn't think I had it in me to stick with that plan effectively. I could hardly bear the thought that the last time I'd b-fed Charlotte was to be the LAST time. Turned out all the non-experts were overreacting and I walked out of the ER with orders to take one aspirin daily and return in a week for a follow-up u/s. As long as Charlotte has no fever, the small amount of aspirin that makes it into b-milk will not hurt her. And since I forgot to take the aspirin today (oops), and the crampy feeling in my calf has been gone since Thursday, I think this episode is over already. I'll go for the u/s on Monday and expect it to be completely clear.

Speaking of breastfeeding... my original goal was 6 months, at which point we'd wean Charlotte so Project Sibling could commence. Now I'm thinking that I'll keep on breastfeeding until her nutritional needs are met with "real" foods. I'm not entirely sure how that transition is supposed to happen, though. Here we are at 7 1/2 months and "solid" foods are just a fun thing we play with a couple of times each day. She wasn't a big fan of rice cereal, but loves oatmeal. Sweet potatoes were OK, but she makes a terrible face and gags when I put peas in her mouth. I read somewhere that by now we should be moving from the stage-1 foods to lumpier stage-2. I'm just not sure how much "food" she should eat every day, or how I'm supposed to get her interested in "eating" while only feeding her solids after satisfying her hunger with b-milk. I admit, I haven't done much research. I'm sure there's a lot of info out there (conflicting, most likely) for me to peruse. She's definitely interested in food. She intently watches C and me eat, while making "chewing" motions. She has no teeth, and even though she gnaws on anything she can fit into her mouth, I see no signs of anything erupting anytime soon.

Charlotte still sleeps consistently from 7pm to 6am (sometimes until 6:30 or 7), and almost always has 5 meals each day. A month or so ago, if she missed a meal due to an overly long or mis-timed nap, she'd make up for it the next day. Lately, though, when she misses a meal it has no affect on the next day's eating schedule. I suspect she's getting the same amount of calories in fewer meals by nursing more aggressively, and I wonder if she's going to eventually make 4 meals the norm. Her usual schedule is 6:15am, 10am, 1:30pm, 4:30pm, 6:30pm. When she drops one, it's generally because the 1:30 feeding is late. I send her to daycare with two 8-ounce bottles, and she's pretty consistent with her consumption... 6 ounces at 1:30 and 8 ounces at 4:30. I sometimes wonder if this is healthy- I see her peers in daycare with much smaller bottles. Should I feed her smaller meals more frequently? But she set the schedule, and she's definitely growing, so as long as she's happy we'll keep this up.

She's suddenly too long for most of her 6-month clothes. She outgrew the 3-6mo stuff a month or so ago, but her 6-9mo clothes still fit. She's still long and lean- there's plenty of circumference left in her outgrown clothes, but she can't stretch without stressing some seams. I bought her a few 9-mo outfits yesterday and figure those will tide her over until Christmas when either she'll be flooded with gift-clothes or I'll shop for post-holiday bargains in January. Winter clothes are way more fun than summer ones... mix-and-match pieces as opposed to either onesies or one-piece jumpers. There's nothing cuddlier than a baby wearing fleece.

Seven-and-a-half months. 32 weeks (I think... didn't count). Each day, I experience a moment so perfect and filled with joy that tears well in my eyes and I can feel my heart overflowing. I never knew I could be this happy.

Myth? Not always...

2010-10-28T08:49:00.002-04:00

I realize I am the luckiest person in the universe. After dealing with IF, that is... Easy pregnancy (the GD was very educational, and not a problem at all). Ideal delivery (the tearing wasn't great, but swapping quick for no tear? I'll take quick). Perfect, beautiful, amazing, happy baby. It couldn't get any better, right?

Well now, an unexpected gift. There are pants in my closet now in a size I haven't worn since I was in high school. I bought them last night, and they FIT! And not the "if I suck it all in and don't breathe or sit, I can wear these for a few minutes" kind of "fit." Nope, these fit with no muffin-top, no stressed seams, no un-done buttons. Comfortable.

I realize it doesn't work for everyone, but the combination of BFing and taking care of an infant (lots of walks... she loves being outside) CAN dramatically improve your physique. It's not a myth!

I am afraid of what will happen when she weans...

SEVEN !!

2010-10-25T08:36:00.002-04:00

Is time flying for everyone, or just me?

Charlotte is 7 months old now. No ped visit to mark this, so I have no idea how tall or heavy she has become. I am certain, however, that she hit some kind of growth spurt immediately after her 6-month appointment because all those 9-month clothes I'd said were too big now fit. And she's too long for most 6-month clothes. And it seemed to happen overnight, after seemingly months of no growing at all (which means she was just growing steadily, as opposed to in spurts).

Big events... She waves, purposefully and with direction, before someone leaves or when she wants to grab their attention. And when she's done with being somewhere, she starts waving bye-bye. We went to two parties this weekend, and when she started getting tired at both, she began waving to me as if to say, "Isn't it about time we said goodbye to these people?"

She signs "eat" when she's hungry. At first, I thought she was just sticking her fingers in her mouth to gnaw on them, but the gnawing didn't happen. And the fingers didn't really go IN the mouth, just up to it. This is amazing. We watch her signing video together every day, and she especially loves the animals. Every morning, when we walk out of her room, she waves enthusiastically toward the office where one of the cats is usually sleeping on the desk chair. It's too dark to see if the cat is even there, so we have to flip on the light to check, but she starts waving as soon as we're out of her room. I'd be willing to bet her next sign will be "cat."

Sitting, rolling over, pivoting, getting up on knees and elbows... all old-hat by now. She's not crawling yet, but has begun trying to pull herself up on things- crib rail, my leg, coffee table, etc. She doesn't know how to put herself in a sitting position, but stays there pretty much forever now. She can lean and reach all over to get a toy, then return herself upright. She can also stand, unassisted (once propped up), while holding onto the couch or a chair or my knee, for about a minute before she gets wobbly.

She has to be on the move, all the time, until she's exhausted. In my lap, she's constantly up and down, standing and sitting, spinning this way and that, or trying to slide down onto the floor. Even when she's nursing, she can't stay still. She's come up with some creative positions. Apparently, the "cradle hold" is for babies and she thinks she's outgrown it (except for when she's tired, then she's all snuggly and calm).

I think she says "hi." It comes out more like "ha," but the timing is appropriate and it's usually accompanied by a wave, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. There you go- her first spoken word. Hi!

She still has no real interest in "solid" foods. We've tried rice cereal, acorn squash, sweet potatoes, and peas. With each, she makes a face, then eats a couple of spoons full before something else grabs her attention. She did have a complete "meal" of rice cereal one evening when she was too congested to nurse.

She's awake... more later, and maybe some photos too.

hurray!

2010-10-11T07:18:00.002-04:00

She claps...

quick

2010-10-08T22:49:00.008-04:00

It's late, but I'm here so I'll post. Charlotte is 6+ months old already. Holy cannoli! At her pedi appointment, she weighed in at 14 pounds 12 ounces and measured 26 inches tall. That's 25th percentile for weight and 70th for height, or something like that. I can't imagine a baby in a high percentile for weight... at 25%, she's got double rolls around her thighs and chubby chubby cheeks (which she is kind of growing into). She's definitely lean through the middle, though, so I guess "big" babies just have bigger bellies than she does. She still fits comfortably into anything with 6-months in the size, although some of the 3-6's are getting a bit snug lengthwise. After seeing her grow so quickly through the 0-3 month stuff, I jumped ahead and bought some 9-month clothes. I thought she'd be in them already, but they're a little big on her. Cute, so I dress her in them anyhow, but a little loose.

I bought her first pair of jeans. Under $3! And so cute. I'm looking forward to flannel shirts and hiking boots.

She's working on cold #2 now, which came immediately on the heels of #1. The very day I meant to call the pedi to schedule her 6-month shots, she woke up with the sniffles. By day's end, she was having trouble breathing through her nose. At this rate, she might get those shots when she's 14 months old... I just can't give them to her when she's already feeling under the weather, so we'll put them off until she's feeling well. The first cold led to one middle-of-the-night feeding. #2 has included two late-night crying jags that lasted just long enough to convince me she was *really* crying. I picked her up and she immediately zonked back out in my arms. I'm not entirely certain she actually woke up on either occasion. Cold #1 was shared by one of her daycare buddies. #2 was given to her by friends we went apple-picking with last weekend. I checked... they're sick now too. Looks like I won't be letting anyone under 20 hold her until cold season is over.

Aside from the brief interruptions due to colds, she still sleeps consistently from about 7pm to 6am. I pump before going to bed at 10:00, then again at 4:45am when I usually get 8-10 ounces. When she's in daycare or with a sitter, I pump every 3 hours and get 4-5 ounces at a time while she eats 8 ounces 5-times a day. There's no way I could keep up with her if I had to rely exclusively on pumping. I'm nearly out of vacation time (I can't believe I managed to stretch it out this long) and may have to consider LWOP or officially reducing my hours. I worry that the company would never let me return to FT if I reduced my hours, and health insurance will cost twice as much if I'm less than full time. We'll be counting on my job for benefits in 2011, so that's a big concern right now. But if, or rather WHEN we start project sibling, I'll still need to buy individual coverage in order to take advantage of our state's mandates for fertility coverage. My company is not based in this state AND they're self-insured... ergo, exempt from state mandates. (What good is a mandate if everyone's exempt?!)

Ultimately, by the time #2 is born (pleasegodletusbethatlucky!), we'd like our small business to have grown to the point where I won't need my "real" job. I'll keep the books and take care of the babies. Once, I thought I wouldn't be happy with that. But now that I've been a mom for 6 months, it's all I want.

So, more about Charlotte... no crawling yet, but she's a pro at pivoting and rolling to get where she wants to go. She is definitely a morning person, waking up with a huge grin EVERY day, even with a cold. See-

She can sit up, unassisted, for as long as she wants to. Or until she gets excited and leans back to laugh, loses her balance and falls over.
She's got about half an inch to go before she catches up with her caterpillar.

She can hold and tilt a sippy cup to get water into her mouth. When she's upright, she actually drinks the water. Lying down, though, she lets the water run out of her mouth so it puddles below her neck.

She claps (video to come soon if I remember and have time).

She's starting to wave, usually to strangers as they walk by us in the grocery store. Or moments after someone has left the room.

To maintain a routine, we get up at the same time every day and try to get out the door by 7am. On non-"school" days, we go shopping or for a walk. I'm not sure we'll be able to keep that up when DST ends and it's pitch-black outside at that hour.

She babbles and sings and dances and laughs and fills my life with more joy than I ever imagined.

daycare-itis

2010-09-18T15:41:00.002-04:00

If I hadn't written that last post, I wonder if today would be any different than it's been. The sleeping-thought-the-night streak was broken on Thursday when she only made it to 11:50pm without a snack, then woke Friday morning with a full-blown cold. We should have taught her to blow her nose instead of raspberries (but she's really good at blowing raspberries!). Between the runny nose and the teething (nothing visible yet, but she gnaws on everything), her face is a goopy wet mess. We're attacking the discomfort on all fronts with a humidifier, baby tylenol, and teething tablets. I hope this passes soon.

dare I say it?

2010-09-16T11:10:00.003-04:00

I'm not trying to rub it in anyone's face, but Charlotte started sleeping through the night on August 21st, and hasn't awakened for a middle-of-the-night feeding since (knock on wood, throw salt over my shoulder, somebody rub a rabbits foot for me please). She consistently has her last meal of the day between 6:30 and 7:30, then goes to bed between 7 and 8:00. She semi-wakes up at about 5am, tosses and turns a bit without making a sound, and goes back to sleep until after 6. That's 10-11 hours of sleep every night! All it took to make the transition from one nighttime feeding to none was ME not picking her up as soon as she made a peep. Yes, it was all my fault that she didn't start sleeping through the night sooner.

In my defense, I did try not immediately responding to her at the end of July. I listened to her and watched the monitor, and after a few minutes she started to cry. So, I fed her and she immediately went back to sleep and I thought to myself that I could live indefinitely with one nighttime feeding. It was nice to have that very peaceful snuggle time, watching her doze off at my breast. And as long as she wasn't sleeping through the night, I could continue to think of her as my tiny newborn baby. Now, she's an all-grown-up nearly-6-month-old who goes to "school" two days each week and sleeps like a big kid.

How did this happen?

5 months... really? (Composed on 8/22. Posted on 9/3)

2010-08-22T10:48:00.009-04:00

How could it be any better than it was a month ago? But it is. Life with Charlotte is amazing. She's more wonderful every day as she develops into her own little person. And here we are, five months after the miraculous night she was born.

Her accomplishments this month-

Last night, on 8/21/2010, her left big toe finally made it into her mouth. She pulled it in with great focus and intensity, then seemed surprised to find it between her lips.

She maintains a seated position for about 5 seconds before toppling in an apparently random direction.

She rolls at will in any direction, at any time, but hasn't yet realized it as a means of locomotion.

We tried rice cereal, then I thought better of it and stopped feeding it to her. We'll revisit "solid" foods a week or two before her 6-month pedi appointment so I won't be lying to the Doc when I say she eats. Frighteningly, that's less than 5 weeks away.

She talks and sings and laughs most of the time. When she's feeling grouchy, she grunts and screws her face into a scowl. She looks and sounds so serious that it's hard not to laugh.

We made our daycare decision and she starts "school" on 8/31. We've been lucky to have a college-aged niece babysit two days each week since I returned to work in May, but she goes back to school next week. I'll devote another post to the daycare issue and my employment situation.

Charlotte wears anything with a '6' in the size... 3-6mos, 6mos, 6-9mos, 6-12mos. So, I guess, according to clothing manufacturers she's the size of a 6-month-old. She feels so big in my arms, but looks so small when someone else holds her.

Breastfeeding is still going well. In addition to meeting her needs, I put about 50 ounces in the freezer each week. We bought a chest freezer in June because my milk was taking over our kitchen freezer, and it'll store longer in a deep-freeze. I haven't worked out a real plan yet for how or when we'll wean, but it's something we need to do before we can launch Project Sibling. First, I should take an inventory since I really have no idea how much milk is in there. Charlotte consistently eats five times a day, and take 5-8 ounces by bottle when with a sitter, so she needs maybe 30-35oz per day?

Some photos... with her caterpillar, which she just about matches in length.

Sleeping. This isn't her usual pose, but it was too cute not to document.

Sitting, like a big girl (added well after the post was composed. She now sits for about a minute, if she feels like it).

Every day is new

2010-08-06T23:05:00.003-04:00

She seems to discover something new, and master something she just started doing a moment ago, every day.

She rolled over for the first time (that I witnessed) on Tuesday, July 13th. By the 19th, she'd figured out how to get both arms out from under her chest when she landed on her belly. By the 22nd, she was a rolling-over pro... front-to-back, back-to-front, any direction. Now she's figured out how to scoot all over the place with a combination of rolling over and drawing her knees up under herself to lunge forward. Crawling is definitely on the horizon. We're fast-tracking the plan to replace carpet with wood floors in the living room so she won't get rug burns (and I just don't believe carpets are ever really clean).

Cereal went from get-this-wierd-stuff-outta-my-mouth (7/31) to more-faster-more in just 6 days. She loves to grab the spoon and put it in her mouth herself. In fact, she ate so much cereal today that she went nearly six hours between daytime feedings and I had to wake her up to keep her on-track for a normal bedtime.

She's developed her own eating and sleeping routine, which suspiciously resembles the one I read about in some parenting book. During the day, she eats every 4 hours and takes two long naps, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. She still gets up to feed once or twice each night (usually once). I'd rather nurse than pump in the middle of the night, so that's perfect. She slept through the night after getting her 4-month vaccinations and my chest was sore for three days. Engorgement ain't fun.

She sings back to me when I sing to her before naps and bedtime. I've tweaked the lyrics to several songs. Has anyone else noticed how scary "Rock-a-Bye Baby" is?

She loves to read, even books with very few pictures. When she's fussy, the sitting and listening seems to calm her.

She's completely into 6-month and 6-9 months clothes now, which means she's outgrown almost all of the gift-clothes we received at the shower and right after she was born. I get to shop for her now, so we're seeing a lot more colors in her closet. It was painfully pink for a while.

At 4 months plus one day, she weighed in at 13 pounds 4 ounces and measured 25 inches tall. That's 6 inches and nearly 6 pounds' growth in 4 months. Totally normal, and totally incredible. When she sits in my lap, I can hardly believe she was once so much smaller. She's consistently around the 40th percentile for weight and 75th for height, but she's definitely not without cute baby fat rolls.

She's been facing forward in the Bjorn for about 3 weeks now, except when she's sleepy and wants to doze with her face nestled into my chest.

Her toes will find their way into her mouth any minute now.

And now some photos...

4 months!!

2010-07-22T14:46:00.003-04:00

I won't even say it... FOUR MONTHS! Wow.

I've been a mom for one third of a year already, and I've loved every minute of it, except the ones I spend at work, away from my baby. My winning lottery ticket hasn't magically appeared in my pocket yet, so I'm working 2 1/2 days each week, and fleshing out the rest of my paycheck by working from home and exhausting my vacation time. I think I've worked it just right so that when my niece/#1 babysitter goes back to college, my vacation time will run out and I'll be forced to make some big changes. No, that wasn' completely intentional. I don't want to go back to working full time, and I'm not sure we can afford to reduce my hours (and paycheck), but I'm in denial and will worry about that another day.

Because today, Charlotte is FOUR MONTHS OLD!

365 days ago...

2010-07-02T21:48:00.004-04:00

... I was recovering from ER and unable to sleep, faced with the decision to freeze-all as strongly recommended by my RE and several other professionals out of concern for severe OHSS, or go ahead with a 3-day transfer. The result of that decision is sleeping peacefully in her crib right now, 102 days old. I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm beginning to consider doing it again. Could lightning strike twice?

three months, plus a little

2010-07-01T11:39:00.009-04:00

Wow. I can't say it enough, but I'm sure everyone's tired of hearing it... time is FLYING by. Charlotte turned three months old 9 days ago. She continues to grow and learn at an incredible pace. Here are a few of her major accomplishments this month...

** She slept through the night exactly twice; the nights before and immediately after my brother's wedding. She hasn't come close to repeating that feat since then.

** Most nights, she wakes just once between 8pm and 6am. She nurses for 10-15 minutes and immediately goes back to sleep. I usually go downstairs and pump the other side for 10 minutes before going back to bed myself, but all-told, that means I'm up for only about 30 minutes each night.

** She loves to be read to and her favorite book now is "The Very Hungry Caterpillar." Sometimes, she asks me to read it to her 2 or 3 times in a row by fussing when I close the book and reach toward the shelf to put it away. I, of course, oblige.

** All of a sudden, in just the last week or so (so technically in her fourth month), she's been making prolonged eye contact with me. Then she smiles and "talks." I love it and can't get enough. She'd made eye contact before, but now it lasts and lasts.

** We heard her first belly laugh on 5/31, and while she has giggled a lot since then, we haven't gotten another belly laugh yet.

** Charlotte has learned to spin. I put her down for a nap or at bedtime with her head to the right, where she can look in a mirror or stare at her stuffed caterpillar while falling asleep. She rolls onto her side, then back, then side, then back,... and manages to spin 180-degrees so that she wakes up head to the left. I ask why she's sleeping upside-down and she just laughs at me.

** She's no longer mesmerized by her sailboat mobile, but clouds visible through the skylight are fascinating.

** We've dropped the swaddle. I'd tried to stop swaddling before, but she would flail as she fell asleep and startle herself awake. Sometimes, both her arms would suddenly fly up as if she were falling backwards and she'd awaken in a panic. So, we'd swaddle her, but she'd wriggle and squirm until one fist worked its way up just enough to reach her mouth. Then she'd cry because her arm was stuck, and probably pretty uncomfortable. Swaddled, she'd fall asleep. Unswaddled, she'd stay asleep (but how to get her to sleep?). Finally, it just got too hot to wrap her up. The last nighttime swaddle was 6/18 (the first time she slept through the night; we had hotel a/c). Her last nap-time swaddle was a week or so before that.

** She's been sleeping in her big-girl crib for at least a month now. Even before she learned to spin, she rolled back and forth a lot, rocking the whole bassinet and bumping into the side walls. The darned thing squeaked, and would wake her up.

** She's achingly close to rolling over from back to front. She hates tummy time, so we're a little behind on the front-to-back progress. I suspect she'll catch up when she starts rolling onto her tummy by herself.

** Charlotte knows her hands and can reach for and touch things intentionally, as opposed to haphazardly bumping into things while flailing her arms. She hasn't developed any dexterity yet, so grasping with her fingers is still kind of random, but she definitely puts her hands where she wants them.

** She started off the month eating about every two hours, between 1.5 and 2.5 ounces per feeding when given by bottle (I asked the babysitter to keep track). She now eats every 2.75 hours or so in the morning, every 3-3.5 hours in the afternoon and consistently downs 4 ounces at each meal. Once I buy bigger bottles, I'll try 4.5 or 5 ounces and see how she does, but for now she seems sated with the 4 ounce meals. At the breast, a full meal usually consists of 12-15 minutes on one side and then 5 minutes on the other. I have no idea how much milk that translates into. I could make an appointment with the lactation consultant to have Charlotte weighed before and after a feeding to determine how much she consumes, but since she's happy and growing, I see no need for it. How's that for zen parenting?

** We went to the beach last week, and survived. Neither of us got a sunburn, and my pop-up tent only collapsed while I was sitting under it, never on Charlotte alone. I'll have to get that fixed before this weekend... the Third is the big holiday in our house and we traditionally spend the day at the beach, then grill at a friend's cottage and return to the beach for bonfires and fireworks (amateur ones) after dark. It's loads of fun, and I want Charlotte to grow up with fond memories of her July Thirds spent with our dearest friends and their kids... who will be Charlotte's oldest friends one day, too.

** Charlotte has outgrown her witching hour, which used to run from 5:30 until she fell asleep around 8 or 9 or 10. It coincided too well with C's return from work each night, and he was almost taking it personally. Now, she gets fussy at bedtime and resists going down for the night, but usually falls asleep with 4 minutes of being placed in her crib.

I probably have more 3rd month updates, but I have to get some work done. So, I leave you with some endearing photos...

With her caterpillar "yardstick"-

Too big for the bassinet-

"Talking" to her caterpillar before faling asleep-And last but not least, her new sunglasses for the beach-

a few firsts before the 3-month mark

2010-06-21T07:29:00.003-04:00

We had another momentous weekend. It seems that Charlotte likes to combine her firsts with other big events, like family weddings. She started skipping one of her two nighttime feedings over the weekend of a cousin's wedding at the end of May. This past weekend, she SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT just before my brother's wedding. And by STTN, I mean ALL night. I put her down at 8:00 and had to wake her at 6:45 so we could all get ready for the wedding. Maybe the bath after her 6:15 meal did the trick. Or maybe it was the 7:45 "snack" that I gave her. Either way, I was ill-prepared and kept waking to check to make sure she hadn't somehow scooted off the bed or smothered in a pillow (strategically placed far from her, but where it could hopefully keep her from falling off the bed).

Then she did it again the following night... down for the night at 8:00, and awake (smiling) at 5:15. We're an early-morning household, so 5:15 is a perfectly acceptable wake-up time.

As happy as sleeping all night makes me, we got an even more joyous first on Saturday evening. LAUGHTER! Not just coo's and aah's with a big grin. No, this was a true belly laugh. No repeat performance yet, but you can bet I'll try to catch it on film the next time I have the chance. It's the most beautiful sound I have ever heard, and we're calling it her Father's Day present to C.

All this just days before reaching the ripe old age of three months. It's as if someone told her she should be able to do these things by the time she starts her 4th month, so she decided to tackle them just in time.

almost 11 weeks- where did the time go?

2010-06-04T21:45:00.005-04:00

Charlotte attended her first wedding (just part of the reception, after dinner) last weekend and got to stay in a five star hotel. She seemed to enjoy the hotel and was an absolute angel, charming the socks off everyone and tossing smiles around like Mardi Gras beads.

She has almost settled into having just one nighttime feeding, which is heavenly when it happens. Some nights, though, she falls back on her every-three-hours routine leaving me foggy-headed for a day or two from complete lack of sleep. She's decided to eat every two hours during the day to make up for it.

Last night was one of those 3-hour feeding schedules, and I find myself unable to string any additional thoughts together into a coherent post. Will you settle for another dose of cuteness?

Here she is at 1 month with her caterpillar (she likes to stare at it's smiling face while she falls asleep)- Neglectful Mommy forgot to snap a similar photo at 2 months.

And here's a smile...

juggling

2010-05-26T21:44:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posting since Charlotte came along. First, I was struggling to keep up with her, to figure out her rhythms and catch some sleep when I could. Plus, the whole pumping and bottle-feeding issue ate up a huge chunk of each day. Luckily, we resolved that before I had to go back to work.

Now, I am working again. The niece we spoke with last September, who then agreed to come to our home 3 days each week to babysit, agreed to sit for someone else 3 days per week, so we only get two. I am struggling to get work done on those no-sitter days as well because I have to prove to my boss that I can work from home, even with an infant. Otherwise, my accumulated vacation time would last only 7 weeks, and then I'd be faced with a tough decision- quit, decrease my hours, or find daycare. I'm hoping to stretch the vacation hours as long as possible, probably just delaying the inevitable, but I'd really like to win the lottery before my time runs out.

Anyhow, our niece adores Charlotte, and for those two days each week I am confident that she's in good hands. It's a huge difference, though, between working 3 days in the office versus two. My boss is not happy with the schedule we started with, so my mother offered to take the baby one afternoon each week... since we work in the same place, I'll take Charlotte to work with me, feed her in my office then send her home with my mother for a few hours. Luckily, mom lives only 10 minutes away from work, and the same distance from my house as my office, so there's not a lot of extra drive-time. We'll see how it goes and how long it lasts, starting next week. Meanwhile, these two weeks of spending just 2 days in the office have been hectic. Every time I put Charlotte down for a nap, I am on the computer and calling my office voice mail. It seems that whenever I am in the middle of something, Charlotte needs me. I think I've juggled well, but this isn't something I could continue long-term. I am exhausted, and no one is getting 100% from me. On top of that, C's and my new business is going very well and I have all the paperwork to deal with for that on top of trying to be a good mom and responsible employee. I feel like I haven't had a break in two weeks, on top of not having a full night's sleep since December.

Anyone want to share their lucky numbers with me for my next lottery ticket?

no time for words

2010-05-18T18:24:00.008-04:00

Baby girl has learned to smile. She's suddenly interactive, and so much more fun than I imagined. I can't wait for giggles!

p.s. I never intended to be one of those moms who put a bow on her baby girl's head, but she looks so irresistably cute that I simply cannot resist. We save it for special occasions, though. Last weekend, she went to a bridal shower, and that's where this photo was taken.

no time to blog

2010-05-12T21:57:00.002-04:00

Yowza- I never knew time could move so quickly. It's been 7 weeks now since we brought our darling daughter home from the hospital. At her last pedi appointment, when she was exactly one month old, she'd gained 1 1/2 pounds and grown 2 1/2 inches since birth. Unbelievable... but then I looked at her in the car seat and glanced at the photo I took when she was 2 days old. She definitely sits a lot taller in the seat now. And the outfit she swam in at two days barely fits her at 7 weeks. Especially her feet. Does anyone know if baby clothes just tend to have too-small feet, or if my girl is simply oversized? They look proportionate to me.

The latest developments, in bullets before she wakes up-
* Feeding- we're no longer dependent on a nipple shield, and she latches like a pro so breast feeding has become as routne as it should be. We've nursed in such exotic places as the car, the doctor's office (in an empty exam room), an infant massage class, and the bank (she cried and they offered me an empty office- how could I refuse?). Tomorrow, she'll feast in my office after my colleagues take me out to lunch (belated birthday meal), unless she demands food in the restaurant in which case we may attempt our first truly public session.
* Sleep- Baby knows the difference between night and day. At night, she nurses and goes immediately back to sleep. Now that we're feeding sans shield, she's a lot more efficient and wraps up her meal in under 30 minutes. As a result, I'm out of bed for only about 45 minutes each time which leaves me more than 2 hours to sleep between feedings. And, luxury of luxuries, she's begun to occasionally skip one middle-of-the-night feeding. I slept for FIVE hours straight one night this week.

It's time to feed my angel and get some sleep myself. I'l try to write more tomorrow.

cuteness

2010-04-27T20:48:00.002-04:00

The ride home from the hospital, sweetly sleeping, and her first bath...

Birth Story

2010-04-27T15:00:00.001-04:00

I can't believe it's been five weeks since Charlotte came into this world. Time is both flying and creeping by, and it honestly feels like she's been with us forever. She's asleep in my lap just now, so I thought I should tell her birth story before it's memory has become so blurred by time that I've forgotten how it happened. Here goes...

Sunday, March 21st, was just another 9-months-pregnant day. I hadn't slept particularly well the night before, so it was kind of a relief to send C on his merry way to watch his nephews' dirt bike races. I was free to nap and lounge the day away, although I was a little eager to get a few things done and errands run because we couldn't really know when the baby would decide to arrive. My greatest worry at the time was that she wouldn't come out on her own in time and we'd be talked into an induction. One of the OBs in the practice had explained that my risk of stillbirth at 40 weeks' gestation would be comparable to a 27-year-old's at 42 weeks. I feared that an induction would lead to the cascade of interventions that would ultimately end with the most invasive of births, a c-section, and the full acoutrement of drugs. I didn't care about taking drugs for my own sake, but did not want my baby entering the world under the influence of anything but her natural hormones.

C returned home, and we went out to the local warehouse store to pick up some provisions- I didn't want to be lifting to 35-pound cartons of cat litter, so I insisted he go with me. As soon as we got home, I started making dinner- pasta with meat sauce, our last meal sans child. At 8:05 pm, I dropped an uncooked noodle on the floor and, when I bent to pick it up, felt a gush of fluid between my legs. As I scurried to the nearest bathroom, I hollered to C, "We're having a baby tonight, and the pasta needs to be drained in 9 minutes (I know that's what I said, because C repeated it to everyone who asked how our labor had begun, and to several people who didn't ask)."

Eventually, the steady stream of fluid slowed to a trickle that I felt a pad could manage, so I tossed my wet clothes in the washing machine, took a shower, and sat down to a late dinner. All the while, C was assembling all the things we thought we might need for a prolonged, first-baby labor- birthing ball, extra pillows, something to read, our hypnobirthing handouts, a CD player and an iPod,... He dutifully loaded up the car and then got a bit impatient when I requested he snap a belly shot (our first and last) before leaving. Somewhere in that time, I called the hospital and let them know my water had broken (definitively- there was no doubt whatsoever) and was advised to "come in soon."

We arrived at the birthing center at 10:00 pm, and in spite of all my visits for NSTs, I didn't recognize a soul (so much for familiarity). By 10:45, we were monitoring Ishka's heart rate and my contractions, which were just becoming "real" after an afternoon full of BH's. I was 4cm dilated, 100% effaced. My biggest fear was coming to pass- I was stuck on the hospital bed, not allowed to walk or move around because they wanted to monitor the baby and me, while painful contractions began. The nurse convinced me to accept an IV (I had a choice with respect to the IV, but they wouldn't let me get off the bed until Ishka became "responsive" supposedly, IV fluids would elicit a response). As soon as the baby's heart rate demonstrated the desired rises and falls, I was disconnected from the IV and allowed to walk the halls, bounce on the birthing ball, or whatever else I felt like doing. I think it was about 11:20 when we took our first stroll down the hall.

Backtracking a little, let me mention that the contractions I felt while lying on the damned hospital bed were the worst pain of the whole night. I truly believe that most women would be abe to manage their pain without medication if only they were allowed to get off the bed and move around. The pain was, as we've all heard, a very intense pressure. But it also involved a sensation of something hard pressing or moving against something equally hard, both unyielding, with no possible resolution in the position I was in. Even contractions that registered very low on the monitor were extremely painful. Had I continued in that position, I think I would have begged for an epidural. Luckily, I walked.

Anyhow, strolling the hall was not without it's own kind of discomfort. The 50-yard promenade was punctuated each way by at least 3 contractions, which felt like an overwhelmingly irresistable and massive bowel movement after prolonged constipation (you get the picture, right?). I got through them by leaning my head against the wall, hanging onto the railing, and rocking side to side with bent knees, focusing on staying as loose as could be by consciously relaxing my mouth and facial muscles. When we got back to my room, I decided that maybe I did need to use the bathroom, since that's what it felt like, so I sat on the toilet. Time began to blur.

I sat for a while in the bathroom. The institutional toilet is a little taller than mine at home, so it was the perfect height for me to crouch, semi-squatted on. I threw up. While SuperNurse cleaned up my mess, I walked part-way down the hall again with nearly constant contractions. I must have handled them well, though, because the nurses later confessed that they didn't think much was going on with me at that point. Back in the room, I tried out the birthing ball, but it felt wrong somehow to have something between my legs. The toilet, with its open seat, was way more comfortable, so I headed back into the bathroom. At some point, I stopped fighting the urge to push and just gave in to it. Eventually, I figured I should go back into the room to see how C was doing and when I wiped (I wasn't using the facilities per se, but amniotic fluid was still trickly out now and then) I felt something...

SuperNurse was in the room and asked how I was feeling. I asked her if it was normal to feel something between my legs. I climbed on the bed so she could check and see what I was talking about. One peek and she said, We're having this baby NOW." She ran into the hall (apparently calling for back-up) and suddenly a whole army of nurses were in the room- turning on the baby warmer, assembling all sorts of instruments. But I was kind of oblivious to it all. Our baby was nearly here!

Someone asked C and me what we thought we were having, giving us one last chance to officially guess before we'd find out. We both said, "A girl." On the next contraction, I breathed into my body's instinctive action without consciously pushing. I was asked not to push on the next one, but I saw my baby's head crowning (reflected in the TV, or was there a mirror? I don't know, but I know I saw the head). One more contraction, one more instant of allowing my body to do what it knew how to do, and our Charlotte was on my chest looking into my eyes.

The doctor arrived about 5 minutes later. He missed the big event, but got to stick around for a while to stitch me up (2nd degree tear) while I counted fingers and toes. C had no interest in or desire to cut the cord, so I did it (it was kind of anti-clamactic, to be honest). I snuggled Charlotte for what felt like a long time and even made a first attempt to nurse her before she fell asleep and I allowed the nurses to take her for weighing and a more thorough cleaning.

So yeah, labor hurt. But my body knew what to do and as long as I reacted instinctively, without fighting myself, the discomfort was never overwhelming. I'm not sure I could have continued for 8 hours, or 12 or some other terribly long time, but I think it went quickly BECAUSE I was unmedicated. I'd do it again, and I hope we get that opportunity some day.

one month. Thirty-one days. A lifetime.

2010-04-22T08:02:00.002-04:00

My baby girl is a month old today, and we can't remember life without her in it. She truly is the center of our universe and we couldn't be happier. Here are some of the ways Ishka has changed since we met her-

At birth, she weighed 7 pounds 5 ounces and was 19 inches tall. She was down to 6lbs 9oz when we left the hospital, but as of yesterday's appointment, she's up to 8lbs 12.5oz and 21.5 inches tall (40th & 70th percentile respectively). We seem to have a tall, lean child.

As of Monday, at the ripe old age of 4 weeks, she officially outgrew her newborn sleep-n-play outfits. Her feet had been too big for a week or so, but on Monday she was no longer able to stretch out to her full length while stuffed into newborn clothing. Alas, she still swims a bit in the 0-3 month sized apparel. (I overestimated her size and didn't buy any newborn clothes, thinking that "0-3 months" would cover a non-preemie newborn. I was wrong.)

We're out of "newborn" sized diapers and will not be buying any more. Our baby is officially in size 1 now.

Ishka has a lot more control over her head and has been able to control where it goes when she's lying on her back since about day-6. Her first week, she slept in whatever position she was placed in- head flopped completely to one side or the other. Now, even in her sleep, she can face straight up if she wants to.

Breastfeeding is still a work in progress, but has improved immensely. For the first 3 weeks, we tried the boob occasionally with a nipple shield but rarely met with anything but frustration (both of us) and pain (me). I pumped and Ishka took her feedings by bottle. Then, on 4/13, it was if a switch had been flipped and she suddenly latched onto the nipple shield and took her meals directly from the source. We have moments now when my nipples don't cooperate or when she doesn't seem to actually get anything from suckling (for up to an hour) and we revert to a bottle of brest milk and a pumping session now and then, but 85% of her meals are bottle-free now. Unfortunately, the excrutiating pain is often still there so the decision to take a feeding by bottle is sometimes for the sake of comfort. The encouragement we found in our one visit so far to the local support group was fabulous, so we'll be attending weekly with the intention of sticking with breastfeeding for at least 6 months.

Our little girl knows the difference between night and day, and prefers not to miss anything that happens during daylight hours. She simply will not sleep anywhere but in my arms during the day, but she's happy as a clam in her bassinette at night. We have a Moby and a Bjorn. She sometimes tolerates the Moby, but I haven't assembled the Bjorn yet. Once we work out how to free up my hands during the day, we'll both be happier and I'll start working from home a bit to stretch out the length of my maternity leave.

She has the cutest smiles as she drifts off to sleep. We know they're not "real," but those little grins are no less beautiful. We're looking forward to genuine grins and giggles yet to come.

There's more to say, but I need to get dressed and eat something before she wakes up and realizes that it's day time again.

wow

2010-04-09T18:12:00.002-04:00

Charlotte, C and I are doing well. C started working exactly one week after Charlotte's birth, so the baby and I are on our own during the day. She had some trouble latching, so we spent two whole weeks pumping every drop I could and feeding it to her from a bottle. Between pumping, feeding, washing pump parts, and staring in awe at my daughter, I haven't slept much. Latching isn't perfect yet, and I still pump about half the time to give my extremely sore nipples a break, but things are improving. Birth story soon... I promise. After a nap, maybe.

1:25 am on Monday morning, 3/22/2010...

2010-03-25T09:42:00.003-04:00

She's here! We're home, and running on the expected total lack of sleep, but sometimes "love is all you need."

Charlotte Joan

3/22/2010

7lbs 5oz

19-inches tall

"Labor" began at 8:05 PM with my water breaking, and ended with Charlotte's appearance at 1:25 AM. It was quick, but far from painless. I'll write her birth story soon. Thank you for all the good wishes!! I can hardly believe she's here.

Here we go!

2010-03-21T20:41:00.003-04:00

At about 8:00, I was cooking dinner and had to wipe a drip off the floor. Then all of a sudden, *gush* my water broke! I've been having mild contractions all day (oh, my, now I am having one that feels all sorts of different), but not with any pattern of force behind them, so I thought it was just more BH. So, I took a shower and will eat a little dinner, then head off to the hospital. The fluid was possibly greenish at first, but then tapered off to clear and then slightly pink-tinged. The greenish has them concerned, so the nurses want to see exactly what's going on (I called).

Looks like we're going to have a baby!

Another day

2010-03-21T11:00:00.002-04:00

Today, I am so confident that Ishkabibble will NOT be making an appearance that I sent C (actually, he wanted to go and I did nothing to discourage him) to watch his nephews race dirtbikes for the day, in a town a couple of hours from home. Of course, he has a fully-charged phone on him and he took a separate vehicle so he can dash back if he needs to. But all remains quiet on Ishka-watch, so I'll spend the day cleaning without having to worry about a spouse messing things up in my wake.

still waiting

2010-03-19T10:10:00.003-04:00

Bloody show & mucus... because of Wednesday's internal exam or is something happening? There were only three notable contractions during last night's NST, and none so far this morning. Ishkabibble continues to dance and roll in her cramped quarters. I know he's low- I can feel her head pressing against my pubic bone. Yard work and lots of walking are on the agenda for tomorrow. Maybe that will start something. Or maybe the raspberry leaf tea will do the trick.

Come on, little Ishka! We want you to come out all on your own, so please please please get moving soon. Wouldn't you love to be born on the first day of Spring?

nothing happening, but...

2010-03-17T21:39:00.002-04:00

2cm and 70% effaced.

As best I can tell from Dr. Google, this doesn't mean anything will or will not happen soon, but it's comforting to know that something has changed in the last two weeks. And I truly believe that Dr. Male was simply rough. Today, my appointment was with Dr. Favorite, whom I'd only seen once before. She was wonderful and gentle, and I didn't feel thoroughly beat up when the internal exam was over... at least not any more so than I already did, with Ishka's head resting about as low as it can go. (I honestly feel like my crotch has been in a fist fight- all bruised and achey for the last few weeks.)

I was the last patient of the day, so the doc had plenty of time to sit and chat with me about GD (she had it too) and all sorts of supposed ways to get labor to start. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up some organic raspberry leaf tea at her suggestion- not bad, actually, so I downed two mugs of it today and will continue with 3 or 4 tomorrow. Aside from that, she recommended romance and walking. Prostaglandins and gravity are scientifically proven to contribute to labor progress, while everything else is sheer desperation.

We discussed induction too, unfortunately. My age alone puts us at higher than normal risk for stillbirth- my odds at 40 weeks equal a 27 year-old's at 42 weeks. So Ishka will be entering this world by my due date of 3/25, with or without medical prompting. My next appointment, on Tuesday, will involve a discussion of the specific drugs and techniques we'll pursue. I'm still hoping I won't need that next appointment. I also hope I won't need tomorrow morning's BPP, or tomorrow afternoon's NST.

It's getting so close now. I can hardly believe we're here!

twiddling my thumbs

2010-03-16T15:59:00.003-04:00

Nothing happening yet. We tried (spicy) Chinese food and romance last night. It was enjoyable, and somewhat laughable (my belly is HUGE), but totally ineffective. As they say, the baby will come when the baby is ready. I have my 39-week appointment with one of the doctors in the practice tomorrow. Ishka was estimated at 6 pounds 12 ounces last Thursday, so we're likely just over 7 pounds now- I have no worries about an "oversized" baby, so even though I am eager and anxious to get this baby out, I'm not going into tomorrow's appointment to ask for inducton. Nature has been good to us this pregnancy (once we got pregnant, that is), and I'm not going to rock the boat now.

That said, I soooo want to meet Ishkabibble NOW! I am utterly useless at work, and just about everything I usually do has been farmed out so there's not much to do anyhow. I feel like I am wasting my time here in my office (yes, blogging at work... bad employee, I am) when I could be washing the kitchen floor or vacuuming the baby's room.

Waiting for Ishkabibble... that's the focus of my life for the time-being.

the waiting game

2010-03-13T22:24:00.002-05:00

It's kind of funny, all this waiting and not knowing when or how it will end. We're all taught early on (I think) that the responsible thing to do is to plan for big events. Spontaneity is all well and good when it comes to spur-of-the-moment weekend getaways or a last-second decision to skydive when the clear blue sky makes it irresistable. But we're supposed to plan the big things- college, buying a house, weddings, etc. And we all know that children aren't supposed to be the decision-makers in the family. They need adult guidance and sensibility or else they'd all be out playing in the street and eating ice cream for dinner every night. But here we are, waiting for a not-yet-newborn to decide when it's time to come out. Is that responsible parenting?

Still nothing happening. I even had fewer than the usual BH contractions today. I did go on a cleaning spree, which C wasn't fond of because I guilted him into helping me while his beloved hockey game was on TV (he got to watch the whole thing anyhow thanks to the miracle of DVR). But now our floors are beyond spotless (until the cats' next game of tag, which ends in a wrestling match and a pile of shed cat hair), the laundry is all caught up, and the refrigerator is organized. The crib finally has sheets and a dust ruffle (I'm not normally a dust ruffle-y gal, but it came with the bedding we registered for). The bumper doesn't fit, but I guess bumpers are considered passe and unsafe now anyhow, so I left it off. The tent we have turns out to fit only on a play-yard, so I think we'll need to buy one for the crib to keep the cats out. I still need to clip the cats' claws and apply the SoftPaws that arrived in Thursday's mail (thanks for the suggestion, Kate!). Sure, there are still a few odds and ends to be done, but we are SOOOOO ready. Did you hear me Ishkabibble? We're READY! This is your mother speaking, and I would like to meet you now. Please come on out.

38weeks exactly

2010-03-11T12:33:00.003-05:00

All is quiet and well on the Ishkabibble front. BPP this morning was combined with an estimate of fetal weight, and we're up to 6 pounds 12 ounces now, the 53rd percentile. Fluid levels, fetal movement and all other BPP criteria look great. Ishka was making sucking motions with his jaw this morning, and she's turned to look backwards past my right hip now. The u/s tech thinks Ishka is a bit lower in my pelvis than last week. I think I agree, since I've felt some crampiness and weight very low in the last few days. At the same time, the office receptionist thought my belly looked higher today than it did yesterday. There's a foot strategically positioned below each side of my rib cage, as though Ishka is preparing to push off for a hasty exit.

Mexican food and a 75 minute walk didn't do a thing for starting labor last night. I was too tired for romance by the time I got home, so maybe we'll take that approach this evening.

almost 38 weeks- stretchy

2010-03-10T14:08:00.003-05:00

The stretch mark fairy paid me a visit last night and painted my belly while Ishka and I slept. I went from one little mark below my belly button to the whole underside of my belly being "marked." Oh, well... I am not a belly-baring sort of person, so it really doesn't matter. I find it amusing that I made it to one day shy of 38 weeks before accumulating many marks. This is not a complaint. I'm perfectly happy to have them.

I had my 38w (actually 37w6d) check-up this morning- there was no internal exam involved (hurray!), although I am now purposely avoiding Dr. Male after last week's somewhat bruising encounter. My weight is holding fairly steady at 35.5 pounds over my starting weight (which included about 10 TTC pounds), and my blood pressure is consistently in the one-teens over upper sixties. All is well, but the doc (not my MW) dropped hints that we may need to induce if things don't start on their own by my due date. She said that because of my age and the GD, we won't go much past the 25th. I have no problem with getting Ishka into the world earlier rather than later, but I'm not a fan of induction. Induction --> constant monitoring --> restricted movement while in labor --> trouble dealing with pain --> need for medication --> further unknown complications & interventions = YUCK!

Ishka and I will have a chat while we go for a long walk after dinner tonight. We made it to March, which is what I initially requested, so now we'll negoatiate a birth date. Something before the 25th. Maybe something in the teens. For good measure, we're going out for Mexican food tonight (someone mentioned that spicy food might spark something). Maybe a little romance later, after the walk. I'd love for one of the pleasant wives tales to work. Even castor oil would be preferable to induction.

37w4d

2010-03-08T14:44:00.004-05:00

The phone calls have begun. Folks we normally speak to 3 or 4 times each month are calling a couple of times each week now to ask if we have any news. We're ready. We'd love to have some news to share, but Ishkabibble continues to cook happily away in utero. The weather has taken a turn toward spring this week, so I'm planning to do a lot of walking. I'm ready to meet this baby, and based on the u/s calculations, Ishka's around 7 pounds now. We're considered full term and beyond the reach of preemie complications, so I have no qualms about trying a few old wives' tales to see if we can get things going. No castor oil yet (yuck!), but the more pleasant tricks are certainly appealing now. I'll certainly let y'all know if anything "works."

36w6d... chugging right along

2010-03-03T09:53:00.004-05:00

Nothing happening on the birthing front here. I had an appointment with the one male in the OB practice, and wouldn't you know it, it was the appointment involving a swab for group B strep and a manual cervical check to see if anything was going on. I don't know if it was him or me or the fact that I'm nearly 8 1/2 months pregnant, but that cervical check felt a bit rough. I will ask for no more internal checks of any kind until I feel like pushing. I wonder if I can get away with that?

The more I think about it, the more I want to stay home until I feel the urge to push. I'm sure I won't have that kind of willpower, and am more likely to rush off to the hospital at the first sign of labor just for confirmation that something has begun. But I've been told again and again that they're happy to send me home if I haven't reached "active" labor yet.

Anyhow, absolutely nothing is going on. Ishka continues to grow (latest estimated fetal weight, at 36 weeks, was 5 pounds 14 ounces; 58th percentile). I found my first stretch mark on Saturday, just when I thought I was getting through this unscarred. My ankles have reappeared most mornings, ever so slightly inflated but very nearly their pre-pregnancy size. I count myself lucky if I manage more than 3 hours of sleep at one stretch. That, plus the 32 extra pounds that I lug around all day, has made me very tired and cranky.

At work, I've been teaching my more complicated responsibilities to asorted co-workers so they can develop some familiarity with what needs to be done before I actually leave. This takes about 3-times as long as doing things myself, which has added to the tiredness. The less complicated stuff that I do will also be delegated to a number of people, and I'm just hoping they find it to be as simple as they believe it will be because they haven't stepped up to start trying the roles on for size yet.

The nursery is almost completed. The crib and dresser/changing table are assembled and in place. Dresser drawers are full of freshly-washed baby clothes, blankets, towels, etc. The bassinette is home, but not set up because we worry the cats will make it theirs. We have no crib mattress, but several hand-me-down mattresses have been offered and we just need to decide which to accept. The rocking chair is still in a box- maybe I'll put that together tonight, although I worry about the cats again... will they shred it? Maybe I should get the cats declawed (I've always been very opposed to declawing, but with an infant soon to be in the house, I'm reconsidering). Actually, only one of them probably needs declawing... he doesn't seem to recognize that he has claws, and draws blood from either C or me on a near-daily basis. Trimming them only lasts a few days, and then they're sharp as needles again. Once everything is in place, I'll take some pictures of the nursery and share them here.

So, we're ready, more or less. The bags aren't packed yet, but everythign that will go in them has been assembled and cleaned. I'll post a list at some point and ask for feedback from you folks- let me know if I neglected something that I'll truly need/want, or if I included something completely superfluous. Ishka has the green light from all parties involved. And so we wait.

the birth plan

2010-02-24T15:02:00.005-05:00

Here's what we came up with for a birth plan. We're taking a natural approach since we'd like as few foreign substances as possible clouding our first moments as a 3-piece family. I had the nurse look this over at Monday's NST and she liked it. She even said that this is the kind of birth that the nursing staff most like to see. We'll see how reality compares to the plan once it's all said and done.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We understand that our birth plan is simply a guideline for how we’d like to experience the birth of our child. Everything is subject to change as needed for the health of mother and child.

The room and general atmosphere-
o I’d like only my husband and necessary medical staff in the room during labor and birth. I’d like C to take photographs of whatever he sees fit to photo.
o I’d like to bring music to listen to.
o I’d like to keep the lights dim and the background noise to a minimum.

During labor-
o Please send me home if I am not in active labor.
o Please keep internal exams to a minimum.
o Please do not augment or induce labor unless medically necessary.
o Please do not artificially rupture the amniotic membranes unless medically necessary.
o Please allow my labor to progress without stringent time limits.
o I’d like my husband to stay with me at all times.
o I’d like to stay hydrated by drinking instead of having an IV.
o I’d like to be free to walk and move around as I choose.
o I’d prefer intermittent rather than continuous monitoring.
o I’d like to use the bathtub, a birthing stool, a birthing ball, or any other accessory that feels right.

Pain relief-
o Please do not offer me pain medication. I will ask for it if I need it.
o I will manage discomfort with self-hypnosis, breathing, massage, and the bath/shower.

During birth-
o I’d like to push when my body instinctively feels the need to do so. Please do not coach me to push before my body feels ready, unless medically necessary.
o I’d like to give birth in whatever position feels right to me, including semi-reclining, side-lying, squatting, or hands-and-knees.
o If available and the appropriate staff are on-hand, I’d like to give birth in a birthing tub or pool.
o I’d prefer not to have an episiotomy.
o I’d like to touch my baby’s head as it crowns.
o I’d like the room to be as quiet as possible, and the lights dim.
o I may wish to view the birth using a mirror (I think I’d like to).

After birth-
o I’d like to hold our baby right away, skin-to-skin on my chest, putting off any procedures that aren’t urgent.
o I’d like to breastfeed as soon as possible.
o I’d like to wait until the umbilical cord stops pulsating before it’s clamped and cut.
o Please do not administer routine pitocin after our baby is born.
o I’d like my husband to cut the cord, but if he’s unable or unwilling, please offer the opportunity to me.
o Please do not administer eye drops to our baby until we have had time to make prolonged eye contact and to bond.
o Please conduct any necessary newborn procedures or tests in our presence, in our room.
o Please do not give our baby any shots in the first 24 hours of life, unless absolutely medically necessary.
o We plan to breastfeed exclusively. Please do not offer anything (water, pacifier, formula, etc.) to our baby at any point.
o We’d like to breastfeed our baby on-demand and keep our baby in our room at all times.
o If our baby needs to be taken from our room for any reason, either my husband or I will accompany the baby at all times.
o If our baby is a boy, we do NOT want him circumcised.

This is our first child, and we’ll certainly be a bit nervous. We welcome your encouragement and support, as well as suggestions you may have that fit with our overall plan to have a natural, unmedicated and peaceful birth. Thank you for sharing this momentous time with us.

how many?

2010-02-24T14:26:00.002-05:00

Well, here we are on the cusp of 36 weeks. You'd think that means I have 4 weeks left of this pregnancy, but really? Who knows. At Monday's NST, the kind nurse informed me that GD pregnancies are normally induced at 39 weeks if labor doesn't start naturally before then. Last week, a doc and another nurse told me that I'd reached the stage where, if labor were to start on its own, no effort would be made to stop it. My siblings and I were all between 4 days and 3 weeks early. My sister's first was early, and her second was induced but I don't trust the accuracy of her LMP calculations.

Ishkabible and I have chatted about her entrance into this world and agree that he's a March baby. True, the birthstone isn't the best, but we don't want to wait for the April diamond and February's amethyst just seems a little too early. C, on the other hand, has had enough of the waiting and wants to hold his baby NOW. The irony of having been unemployed for nearly 5 months, and now being literally days from starting a new job (as my employee, for our new business) is not lost on either of us. But we're not picky about the timing. Just deliriously happy the be so close to meeting this baby.

I suspect that labor will commence within 3 days of C starting to work again, just because that's how our lives go. Remember what happened last year? In the middle of the unemployed season, C suddenly found himself with two simultaneous work commitments (a lucrative temporary gig and a snowstorm to plow) AND the RE's requirement that the "partner" deliver the donor sperm for a DIUI. No obligations for months, but then three conflicting ones in a single day. Yup, that's our norm. Feast or famine, and not much in between.

Then again, Ishka might be the beginning of our bucking that trend. The truth is that no one can predict when we'll get to see Ishka face-to-face. The excitement builds daily. We can't wait!

on cloud 9

2010-02-22T14:06:00.004-05:00

I'm still grinning over Kate's beautiful beta. And while I'm here rejoicing for her, she sent me this award. How can she think of awards at a time like this?! I have no idea, but Thank you, Kate!

Award rules:

1) Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award 

2) Copy the award and place it in your blog

3) Link to the person(s) who nominated you for this award 

4) Tell us 7 interesting things about you 

5) Nominate 7 bloggers and link to their blogs

I guess I've already covered 1 through 3, so on to the 7 interesting things. I hope I can come up with that many.

1. I've landed every job I ever interviewed for, including one for which I was unqualified (but performed admirably because I learned quickly). My various positions have ranged from bus company dispatcher to forester to retail store manager to tax preparer.

2. I love Eeyore and do not believe he's a pessimist at all. He's a roll-with-the-punches, go-with-the-flow kind of guy, just like me. Any day you haven't lost your tail is a good day. Everything else is gravy.

3. The more time I spend in a store, the less money I spend. I tend to walk around in circles, reconsidering what I've selected, and eventually it all goes back where it came from.

4. My earliest memory is from my 2nd Halloween, when I was 19 months old. There were styrofoam cups of cider on desks in a classroom. I wanted one, but couldn't reach high enough. Later, I learned that there were doughnuts beside the cider, but I was too short to see them.

5. I don't believe in fate or astrology or horoscopes, but I've noticed on a few occasions that life tells me when I need to make a major change. Sometimes, it's as subtle as feeling restless and unsettled. Other times, it's as violent as a car accident and getting evicted. I guess you could say that I feel guided. Somehow, I always end up where I should be.

6. I tend to click right away with folks born within 2 days of my birthday, but we don't get along long-term. I hope Ishkabible is born more than 2 days before or after my birthday.

7. I lost my faith in humanity once, in a D'Angelo sandwich shop when I was a college sophomore. A few weeks later, my faith was restored thanks to a student from Iran and a Chris DeBurgh cassette.

And now to nominate 7 bloggers who I'd like to hear more about... some of my instinctive selections have already received every award under the sun, so I'll let them off the hook on this one. The folks I'm naming are at several different stages of TTC. Their insights remind me of where I came from and where I'm going.

1. Lisa at How Babies Are Really Made

2. Sarah at Dreams and False Alarms

3. BB at Baby to Be

4. Amy and Melissa at Amy and Melissa's Baby Blog

5. Emily at Oh Emily's Weblog

6. Nic at Trying for a Baby

7. PJ at Infertility on the Brain!

I wish us all great success!

YES!

2010-02-21T22:44:00.002-05:00

Today, Kate got a stupendously positive beta.

I'm so happy right now I can hardly think.

and showered again

2010-02-19T14:04:00.002-05:00

This one was truly a surprise- on Wednesday, my supervisor walked into my office and demanded, "You're coming with me now. No questions," and led me to our main conference room where about 20 of my co-workers had assembled along with piles of food, a bouquet of pastel balloons, and a stack of wrapped gifts. It was a baby shower for Ishkabibble!

The biggest surprise? I think it was organized by my mother! Whether she did it unprompted or because colleagues suggested it was her responsibility, I'll never know (and I will not ask), but it was very sweet and I really did have tears in my eyes when I walked into the room.

We all sat and had lunch together- finger sandwiches and meatballs, and salads, and a chicken-rice dish, and stuffed mushrooms- all made by my co-workers and smuggled in without my noticing. They had taken up a collection site-wide and gave me an envelope of cash with the explanation that a gift card was too limited, so we're to spend the money on whatever Ishkabibble needs, wherever we need to buy it. The ladies with whom I share a building chipped in separately and bought the car seat that we registered for (Chicco KeyFit30). Two others had purchased a small wooden toy and a board book ("On the Night You Were Born"- beautiful, simple story) for our little one. After unwrapping the gifts and reading the cards, we dove into a beautiful cake that another colleague is famous for (she makes a cake for nearly every event we celebrate- birthdays, retirements, bridal showers, etc. and they're always gorgeous and deelish)- she could go pro with the cake business if she didn't want to be a scientist any more.

On the baby-front, Ishkabibble continues to grow and pass the NSTs and BPPs with flying colors. I've been having BH contractions for several weeks now, but didn't identify them until a nurse pointed them out on the monitor during an NST. Occasionally, they're VERY noticeable, but sometimes I hardly feel them at all. Now that we've passed 35 weeks, nothing will be done to stop labor once it starts. I've chatted with Ishka, though, and assured him that she's a March baby. At work, I've shown everyone how to do pretty much all that I do. They're not comfortable doing it solo yet, but I'll be kind of sitting back from here on out, available to help out and answer questions but no longer actually "doing" my job. My ankles are officially gone, no longer returning after a night spent horizontal. And I now sleep almost sitting up, propped on a pile of pillows because I can't go more than an hour on either side without back/hip/knee pain waking me up. Now that I sleep sitting, though, I generally manage 5-6 hours at a time... I should have thought of it sooner!

This weekend, we'll finally pick up the furniture. I'll wash all the baby items and tuck them away in the new dresser. 'Thank You' cards will go out to all the generous gift-givers from both showers. We'll finally hang the mobile that I've wanted for so long. And I'll see if my new sewing machine works by trying to make my own crib sheets and sleep sacks.

The countdown continues... 34 more days, or whenever Ishka decides it's time.

Showered

2010-02-15T12:40:00.007-05:00

C tried until the bitter end to keep it somewhat of a surprise, telling me that we were just going to his brother's house on Saturday to have spaghetti with his aunt and some of his nieces and nephews. He had implied a few times that the shower I'd been crying about not having would be on Valentine's Day, Sunday, and that Saturday was "just spaghetti lunch." I made cookies, since it's always nice to bring a little something when someone invites you over for a meal.

But then I was getting dressed and I asked him, "I bought a new shirt. Should I wear it today or tomorrow?" He tried to continue the ruse- "Wear it today, but don't spill anything on it."

The driveway was full and a few cars had been parked along the street. My mother's car was tucked in behind a mini-van and an SUV, presumably so I wouldn't notice it. No one yelled "surprise" when I walked in, but there were balloons and a mountain of gifts and lots of smiling friends and family who greeted us as we walked in. C and Ishka and I were showered with good wishes and love and delicious food and gifts. This baby will want for nothing with friends and family like ours around.

The cake came from the bakery that made our wedding cake (holy mackerel that was good cake!). Our niece, daughter of the hostess, took photos the entire afternoon and will give us the gift of a shower photo album once she's had a chance to print the pictures. Our youngest niece and our great-niece (ages 5 and nearly-4) helped us unwrap presents. C stayed for the whole shower, and we didn't play any silly games... we're kind of old for those, I think, and our family and friends are mostly beyond that too. It was a wondeful afternoon of good food, great company, and incredible generosity. We've fallen into a nice generational break- the youngest child in the family, our great-niece M, is approaching 4 already so everyone is excited at the prospect of a new baby in the family. And M wants the baby to be born on her birthday, which happens to be just 9 days before our due date so it could work out that way. We have nearly everything on our registry, and enough duplicate items to exchange for most of the necessities we don't have. Hooded towels are VERY popular (and so incredibly cute!). And rubber duckies.

It was a beautiful afternoon, and I am so thankful for the family and friends that I have. We're planning to take our hostess and her husband (C's SIL and brother) out to dinner to thank them for the shower. And then I have to tackle the montain of gifts and send out Thank You cards before Ishkabibble arrives. And pick up the furniture. And put it together. And deep-clean the carpet in the baby's room. And hang the framed watercolors (did I mention I had them framed? Got them back Friday... so cute!). And sew crib sheets. And pick up the bassinette. And hang the mobile.

So much to do, and so little time! Only 5 1/2 weeks to go. C asked yesterday if we couldn't just get the baby out already because he wants to hold his son/daughter NOW!

the cliche'

2010-02-11T11:15:00.004-05:00

It's official... I have become the stereotypical pregnant woman. At long last, I not only look but also FEEL undeniably pregnant, and it's been more than a week since my last "I feel just like my non-pregnant self" moment.

The evidence-

~ I need to pee every 45 minutes (or less!), regardless of when or how much I drink;

~ I am exhausted, but not just from a lack of sleep;

~ On a good night, I can sleep for about 3 hours at a stretch before some ache or pain has me rearranging all the pillows (and making the trip to the bathroom, since as soon as I am awake, I again need to pee);

~ My ankles, the only skinny part of my body, have begun to swell. Not yet to the point of the dreaded 'cankles,' but I can barely make out my ankle bones today. My feet are following suit, too;

~ I am thicker than I am wide, so when I turn sideways to get out of someone's way, I end up more in the way than before I turned;

~ My BE band is back on permanent wardrobe rotation. The waistbands of my beloved yoga pants won't stay up without it, and I need something to block the draft on my otherwise-exposed underbelly (that part that's "covered" by my tented shirt, but in the open air as seen from below).

So, yes, here I am at 34 weeks and I finally, truly feel pregnant in all the glorious ways I imagined. I'm happy to report that I have no 3rd-trimester nausea or heartburn (yet... knock-on-wood), but I do feel quite large and I routinely bump into walls, doorways, and countertops with the belly.

AND- out in public, for the first time, a complete stranger asked me when I'm due. Luckily, no strangers have attempted to touch the belly, but I walk with a fist cocked and ready-to-go, just in case. :-)

there may be tears

2010-02-09T12:50:00.002-05:00

Thanks to all who commented to let me know that I wasn't being pathetic or selfish. It's so nice to be in a community of women who understand what I meant about really wanting a shower or party of some kind to celebrate our becoming parents. It isn't the gifts or the attention, per se, it's the recognition of what a huge milestone this is. Sometimes, I question whether what I'm feeling is rational or hormonally-driven. In this case, it may have been both.

I had another crying spell yesterday at the thought of not having a shower for Ishkabibble. After stopping at the hospital for nother NST (during which Ishka "acted like a girl" according to the nurse who declared last Friday that Ishka was almost definitely a boy), I opened up to C about the whole shower thing when I got home from work. I was on the verge of tears again, and about to suggest that we throw a party of our own, when he asked me, "Do you not have sisters-in-law and the best friends possible?" Apparently, something is in the works and it's supposed to be a surprise. I didn't press for details, but he let on that the planning has been going on for months ("Why do you think I needed a copy of our holiday card address list? I don't send out the cards. You do!").

Now I understand why my brother's fiancee's surprise bridal shower is 3 full months before her wedding... if you wait too long to throw a surprise party, the guest-of-honor starts to wonder if a party's even going to happen. She may wonder if perhaps what she thought was a REALLY BIG DEAL isn't seen that way by her family and friends. Is she being selfish for wanting someone to throw her a party? She questions her motives and her sanity and starts to wonder if she means as much to her friends as they do to her.

I'll file this away for when it's my turn to plan a surprise for someone. Do it early! I do enjoy surprises, but I don't like the way I felt yesterday, before talking to C. I didn't mean to ruin the surprise, and I didn't spoil it completely- I don't know where or when the shower will occur (although I do have my suspicions). And if I'm particularly hormonal that day, I will most likely burst into tears in response to the affirmation that our friends and family DO understand how important Ishkabibble is to us.

I am selfish and pathetic

2010-02-04T11:01:00.002-05:00

As I mentioned quite a while ago, my MIL and sisters-in-law threw my bridal shower before C and I got married. I don't believe it occurred to my mother to throw the shower, and she didn't help with the planning or anything else. As far as whom to invite, my MIL simply sent an invitation to every female on the guest list. My mother isn't rude or negtlectful or anything like that. She simply doesn't seem to understand social norms with respect to that sort of celebration. It really never occurred to her that she might be expected to throw a party to celebrate her daughter's upcoming wedding. Well, not so much "expected" to do it, but that she should want to, or should at least consider it.

Here we are now, 7 weeks before we expect to meet Ishkabibble. Traditionally, a baby shower is thrown 1-2 months before the due date by either close friends of the mom-to-be or by her sister or mother. My closest friends live pretty far away... NJ and TX as a matter of fact. My sister is in FL (and as socially clueless as my mother). I do have local friends, mostly the wives of C's friends as well as my sisters-in-law.

I don't believe a shower is in the works for me. I haven't heard a peep from anyone about a shower. No one has asked when I'm free. No one has asked who I'd like to invite. A few people asked if we'd registered anywhere, and I know my father and his sister (my godmother) went on a shoppping spree at BRU, but at this point it seems fairly clear that there will be no organized party to celebrate the biggest event of our lives. I'm disappointed.

Just writing that, I had to hide in the bathroom, twice, to blot at my eyes and blow my nose because I'm crying like a pathetic simp over a party I already predicted would not happen. I thought I was OK with that. Maybe it's the hormones, or maybe I'm really not OK with it. I just don't know. Right now, though, I know that I DO want to have that recognition of our milestone. I was invited last year to a baby shower for a teenager who got knocked up by her boyfriend in their senior year. It was unplanned, but it was celebrated. And here we are, with one of the most non-unplanned pregnancies possible, after years of stress and frustration and sadness and a mountain of debt, with no celebration planned.

Yeah, pathetic. I don't understand why it bothers me so. I'd be tempted to throw my own baby shower, except that would be publicly pathetic and I like to keep this side of myself discreetly hidden. So, I'll sneak back to the bathroom to un-redden my eyes and go about the next 7 weeks as though it really doesn't matter.

holy monitoring, Batman!

2010-02-03T14:18:00.002-05:00

33-ish week appoontment with the OB yesterday (making my way through all the staff in the practice so they're all familiar before the BIG day), and she gave me another 'A' for weight, blood sugar, and anything else she could look for in a fast, 10-minute appointment. I can't fault her for the quickie. I was supposed to have reported to another office at 8AM to meet the other OB (the male OB... oh, dread), but I screwed up and went to the wrong office and they were kind enough to squeeze me in. I'll meet Mr. OB in about 4 weeks. My next visit is in the third of their locations, with MW#2. Then, I think I'll have met everyone and can go back to original MW#1.

Anyhow, thanks to the GD, Ms. OB has signed me up for bi-weekly non-stress tests (NST) and weekly biophysical profiles (BPP) from now until Ishkabibble's birthday. I can see how the last bit of pregnancy can fly by. I'll be in one office or another for some medical thing 3-4 times a week for rest of my pregnancy. I don't object at all- last night's first NST was actually quite nice, and since it's at the hospital where Ishka will be birthed I'll have the chance to get really familiar with the Birth Center nurses and rooms. Coincidentally, I was considering going over for another tour, since a few questions have come up since my first visit. Now, I get a private audience with the nurse who hooks me up for the NST twice each week, AND when my usual MW is "on," she'll come and chat with me, as happened last night.

The NST itself was simply 40 minutes spent lying on a fairly comfy hospital bed with two monitors strapped to my belly- one for Ishka's heart rate and one to monitor contractions (in hypnobirthing, we call them "surges."). It was enlightening to see Ishka's heart rate change and hear squawking from the doppler even with movements that I couldn't feel. I also learned that I am having Braxton-Hicks contractions. I haven't felt them yet, but I could see them clearly on the print-out. All-in-all, a nice relaxing event, and since it's at the Birth Center, which by necessity is open 24/7, I can go on my way home from work. I like convenience.

BPPs are scheduled at the near-work office of my MW/OB practice, every Thursday. My first is tomorrow, so I don't know from experience what to expect, but my research leads me to expect an ultrasound during which 5 categories are checked- fetal tone, amniotic fluid level, fetal activity, practice breathing, and... I forget the last one. I think heart rate might be it. Ishka gets a score of 0 or 2 for each one, and a total of 8 or 10 is good. I'm just happy to get the chance to SEE my little one every week from here on out. Maybe I'll get some more great pictures.

Speaking of pictures, I am still working on the home computer issue- hoping to get it taken care of by this weekend so I can start our taxes. AND scan images of Ishka's face... I must share. It's so incredibly beautiful!

31w4d- nearly 4 pounds

2010-01-26T16:14:00.002-05:00

C and I went in for an ultrasound yesterday to get an estimated fetal weight, primarily to make sure the GD isn't affecting Ishkabibble's size, but also just to get another look at our little one. The official estimate was 3 pounds 15 ounces, so we're perfectly on-target with no size issues so far. But the big news is... we saw Ishka's FACE! Not a profile, "oh, look at that lovely jaw-line" kind of image. This was a full frontal face shot, and the u/s tech was kind enough to print that one out for us to take home, along with an image of Ishka's right foot (I think) and a few classic profiles. All are a wonder to behold, but the FACE... wow. If our home computer were working, I'd scan the image and share it, but the harddrive bit the dust a couple of weeks ago and since we're relying on the generosity of friends to retrieve all our files, it's taking a while to fix it. I will be sure to scan it as soon as we have a working computer at home again.

Mind you, it's the low-tech 2-D image, not the fancy-shmancy 3- or 4-D version. Had we oodles of money to burn (or maybe if C hadn't been laid off so early last Fall), I might have splurged on a 4-D u/s photo-shoot. Apparently, that's becoming quite the business- you can buy a CD with a full 10 minutes' or more worth of your baby's still and motion ultrasound images set to music for some amount of money. I love the idea, but I think it would end up stashed away along with our wedding photos... rarely looked at and kind of neglected. I'm holding out for the real deal... the huggable, squeezable baby I can wrap in my arms. Soon. Just over 8 weeks left to go, and all is still well.

a sweet A at 30w6d

2010-01-20T10:54:00.004-05:00

Today, I met again with the Doc in charge of the OB practice. She wanted to follow up with me when I had another week or so of blood sugar numbers to report. Once again, I had a few that were a little high, but I've discovered a simple way to deal with them. Upon seeing my first 150+, I took off for a brisk 45 minute walk then tested again at 2 hours post-meal. I could hardly believe it when the meter indicated my blood sugar had dropped more than 65 points. I've had only 2 more 150+ readings since then (one brought on by a breakfast of unprocessed, no-sugar cooked oats with 6 cranberries, a sprinkle of Splenda and a splash of unsweetened almond milk), and each time my glucose dropped below 90 by the 2-hour mark thanks to a short (only 10 minutes) walk. My short walk solution also preceeded the testing on one occasion when I ate a little more pizza than I should have. The result? A very satisfying 112 at one hour post-meal.

I'm amazed that something so simple as a walk, and a short one at that, can have such a dramatic impact on my blood sugar. I'm now walking for at least 10 minutes every day, usually after whichever meal seems least GD-friendly. The Doc gave me an "A" for this appointment thanks to my "overall healthy numbers (sugars-wise)," my good blood pressure (117/62 or something like that), the absence of any bad stuff in my urine, Ishkabibble's healthy heart rate (always in the 140's), and the fact that my weight has held steady for the last few appointments.

My next visit will be with a **gasp** male doctor in the practice. They rotate on-call duties, so there's no way to know ahead of time who'll be on when Ishka decides to enter the world. I want to be familiar with each of them before that day comes, so my next couple of appointments are with "new" doctors. I'll go back to "my" midwife for the last few weeks. Appointments are every 2 weeks now, and it sounds like the off weeks will be filled with ultrasounds and non-stress tests. I hope juggling all these appointments doesn't speed up time. I'm very happy with Ishka where he is for now, and in no hurry for her to come out.

more, please

2010-01-19T12:34:00.002-05:00

Kate is as lovely in person as she is on her blog. More so, in fact. I was a little concerned that our conversation would be forced or would focus solely on IF, but needn't have worried. Time flew by and I was truly surprised by the hour on my watch when we eventually got up to leave. I'm looking forward to meeting again.